Season 1

Monday, Aug 30, 2010





The Nigerian Job


Hardison: This equipment is total VH1, bra. It’s best of the 80s.


Hardison: I’ve been doing this since high school, bra. I’m Captain Discipline. [Flashback: New York City, 5 years ago]

[Flashback: New York City, 5 years ago]

[Doors open on teenage Hardison surrounded by women in Princess Leia bikini costumes holding toy light sabers.]

Head of Security: Does that look like Mick Jagger to you?

Hardison [waves hand slowly]: This is not the room you’re looking for.

[End flashback.]


Eliot: You’re not as useless as you look.

Hardison: I don’t even know what you do.


Parker [hangs down from bar overhead]: Can I have one?

Hardison: You can have the whole box.

Eliot: What are you going to do when she finds out you still live with your mom?

Hardison: Age of the Geek, baby. We run the world.

Eliot: You keep telling yourself that.


Nate [over comms]: Guys, listen up. We’re going on my count, not a second sooner. Parker, no freelancing.

Eliot: Hey, relax. We know what we’re doin’.

Nate: And on the count of five, four…

Hardison: Aw, he doesn’t want to be our pal.


Hardison: Ten-digit password. I salute you, sir.


Nate [over comms]: Eliot, what I want you to do is clear the zone and use Hardison as bait.

Hardison: Bait? Whoa hold up! Hold up! Wait a minute! I know you ain’t talkin’ about me, I ain’t nobody’s bait.


Hardison: Got all the designs, got all the backup. I’m leaving this cupboard bare.

Nate: Drop the spike.

Eliot: Did you give them a virus?

Hardison [laughing]: Dude, I gave them more than one virus.


Parker: Problem. Those guards you ganked? They reset all the alarms on the roof and all the floors above us. We can’t go up.

Eliot: Every man for himself, dude.

Hardison: Go ahead! I’m the one with the merchandise.

Parker: Yeah, well, I’m the one with an exit!

Nate [over comms]: And I’m the one with a plan. Now, I know you children don’t play well with others but I need you to hold it together for exactly seven more minutes. Now, get to the elevator and head down. We’re going to the burn scam.

Hardison: Goin’ to Plan B?

Nate: Technically that would be Plan G.

Hardison: How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?

Nate: Yeah. Hardison dies in Plan M.

Eliot: I like Plan M.


Hardison: Anybody else notice how hard we rocked last night?

Nate: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Eliot: Yeah well, one show only. No encores.

Parker: I already forgot your names.

Hardison: It was kinda cool being on the same side.

Nate: No, we are not on the same side. I am not a thief.

Parker: You are now. Come on, Nathan, tell the truth. Did you have a little bit of fun playing the black king instead of the white knight? Just this once?


Hardison [watching Sophie’s portrayal of Lady Macbeth]: She’s very awful.

Parker: Is she injured… in the head?


Hardison: Shouldn’t I be playing the computer guy?

Nate: No, I want you to actually be the computer guy.


Hardison: I’m just very good at what I do.

Parker: This is the score! The score!

Hardison: Age of the Geek, baby.

Eliot: Somebody kiss this man so I don’t have to.



The Homecoming Job


Hardison [standing atop a skyscraper in repelling harnesses]: I just realized I need to go back to the office.

Parker: Why?

Hardison: Because I remembered gravity and the squishiness of my manly parts.


Hardison [listening in on surveillance]: Oh, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I’m a professional criminal and I find that disturbing.


Hardison [after stopping their mark from killing the client]: I didn’t sign up for any of this. What I did before, nobody got hurt.


Hardison: You ID’ed a guy off his knife fighting style?

Eliot: It’s a very distinctive style.


Hardison [about Eliot breaking a camera with a rock]: I’m sorry it was too far away for you to punch. I’m sure that really frustrates you.


Hardison: Ok, I see what this is. This is racial. This is about my ethnicity, ain’t it? It’s because I’m Jewish.


Parker: I bought a plant.

Hardison: Nice. Team spirit.




The Two Horse Job

Hardison: Thank you very much. That concludes this briefing. ‘Preciate your attention. Now how do we get the damn horse?


Hardison: Flee now. Talk later.


Hardison: What about Mr. Ed?

Parker: Yeah, a talking animal that nobody else can hear? That never ends badly.

Hardison: It didn’t turn out badly. Wilbur loved Mr. Ed, he loved him like a second cousin twice removed.




The Miracle Job


Eliot [walking up to Hardison]: Hey! Sophie’s here. What do I tell her?

Hardison: Anything but the truth.


Hardison: You’re not the first person I would think of to play Willy Loman, but you, you worked it out.

Eliot: Yeah. [Sophie walks away pleased and he says to Hardison] That was the worst night of my life.

Hardison: Come on man; you’ve been in worse situations.

Eliot [shaking off a flashback of himself in a forced game of Russian roulette in North Korea]: God, no. No, that was the worst.


Hardison: Dislocated shoulder’s a be-atch.


Hardison: You got a number?[Bruiser hands him a slip of paper]

Eliot: Can you do something with that?

Hardison: Seven digits. I can find you on Mars.


Hardison: How ’bout that? Man, you-you see me?

Eliot: Shut… He was injured.

Hardison: Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that’s my niche.


Hardison: You’re a Catholic who wants to fake a miracle? I’m pretty sure that puts us in mortal sin territory.

Eliot: So wait, you’re religious too?

Hardison: No, I’m non denominational, it’s just, I never do anything my Nana said don’t do.


Hardison: Oh we’re all going to hell.


Nate: I said bleeding tears, not bleeding ears!

Hardison: Look. Look, man. You’re lucky on this deadline I didn’t give you a baking soda volcano.


Hardison & Eliot: It’s not Santa!


Eliot [after Hardison misses the statue with his Stigmata Paint Ball Gun]: What, are you ten feet from there? How can you miss that? You’re standing right here.

Hardison: Everybody can’t be Eliot.

Eliot: Unbelievable.

Hardison: Shut up, shut up.


Hardison: You know what? I’ma step over here so when the good Lord goes down on all of y’all I don’t get hit by the lightning.

Parker: Wasn’t Zeus the one with the lightning?


Hardison: This is what happens when you mess with God. He raises up your enemies with His right hand and He smites you with his left.



The Bank Shot Job

Hardison: You know, I had to re-task two satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of ‘Doctor Who’.

Parker: Hey! Illegal downloading’s wrong [lights a basket of trash on fire].


Hardison [clears throat as he and Parker posing as an FBI agent approach the sheriff]: I’m Agent Leonard, this is Agent Elmore. We’ll be taking over this crime scene, Sheriff…?

Sheriff Hastings: Bill Hastings. Nice to meet you.

Hardison: I know.

Sheriff Hastings: You guys sure are quick. I just called this in 20 minutes ago.

Hardison: Well, we were coming back from a little border skirmish. Patrol unit came under attack from a pack of chupacabras.

Sheriff Hastings: Chupacabra? I thought those things were urban legend.

Hardison: You’re adorable.


Hardison: Woah! What’s going on?

Sheriff Hastings: Cut power to the bank. Standard operating procedure.

Hardison: Stand…it’s standard? Where you getting that bull hockey from, son?

Sheriff Hastings: Deputy Arnold. He took a seminar in crisis management last year.

Deputy Arnold: It was an online seminar. We got certificates.

Hardison [to Sheriff Hastings]: Certificates? Magic kits come with certificates, does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?


Hardison: What, you though my genius was only limited to ones and zeros?


Hardison [giving this list of fake demands so that Parker can sneak into the bank]: Now look, they have a list of demands. First off they want twelve large pizzas, one cheese, one Hawaiian extra pineapple, two pepperoni black olives, two meat lovers. Seriously? Nobody’s writing this down? Seriously? [Gives Parker the ‘go ahead’ nod] One triple shot half-caf vanilla latte, tall. [Parker slips past the crowd and begins to work her way into the bank] Three of the latest copies of the Hall and Oates CD.

Deputy [approvingly]: Oh, yeah!

Hardison: I know, right? Exciting stuff. I didn’t know they were coming out with a new one either. Um, we’re gonna need some steaks. Steaks and a grill. They’re trying to tailgate, okay? They need your overalls, I don’t know why. They need some Kibbles ‘n Bits. We need an Etch-A-Sketch. Somebody in there likes to squiggle, okay? Possibly could we get some stuffed bears? Are we good? Let’s go people! Everybody! I need you guys moving. Everybody get out. [To the deputy who acknowledged the Hall and Oates album] You stay, we need to talk about Hall and Oates.


Nate: So pizza boxes huh?

Hardison: Yeah, I know, I know, you could have done better.

Nate: No, no, I couldn’t have…



The Stork Job

Hardison: It’s not so fun working in the crappy command center, is it? No see, you’re usually off doing your European spy thing. Well, welcome to my world.


Hardison [interrupting Nate and Sophie’s “all relationships are about manipulation” argument]: Guys, guys! Really? Guys, seriously? Come on now, look, if you’re done with your little delightful banter, I got some actually useful information, okay?


Parker [to Sophie]: So wait a minute. You did the lift? Why wasn’t I involved?

Hardison: Because somebody decided to jeopardize the mission when a certain somebody shish-kabobbed a certain mark.

Parker [snorts]: Yeah. That was me.


Parker [over comms]: Why does an orphanage need armed security?

Hardison: Must be some bad ass kids.


[Parker and Hardison discuss the con as it relates to foster care systems.]

Parker: Well, you were lucky. No, we put these kids in a system, and odds are, they’re gonna turn out like me.

Hardison: I like how you turned out.


Hardison: You don’t work alone any more. You know that, right?

Parker: I know.

Hardison: We’re a team.

Parker: We’re a little more than a team.



The Wedding Job


Hardison: Stay strong, brother.

Agent Taggert: I will.

Hardison: A shake up is coming.

Agent Taggert: Long overdue.

Hardison: You, [points two fingers at his own eyes, then to the FBI agent’s eyes] you.

Agent Taggert [copies gesture]: I’ll watch for you, too.

Hardison: I’m the coffee, you the cream.


Eliot [over comms]: Hardison, how am I supposed to get out of the FBI offices with a box full of surveillance tapes, huh?

Hardison: Punch somebody!

Eliot: Oh, I’m gonna punch somebody.


Nate: Okay. What d’ya learn?

Hardison: Well first of all, how great ‘Jersey Boys’ is.


Hardison: I take it you’ve never been married.

Eliot: No.

Hardison: Ever come close?

Eliot: No.

Hardison: What was her name?

Eliot [amused]: There was a girl I grew up with. But anyway, she married somebody else, so…

Hardison: Hot damn. What did you do?

Eliot: What did I do? I liberated Croatia.

Hardison: Oh see, me, I would’ve just got fat and started up a comic book shop. That’s you and me right there.


Hardison [to Parker]: Looking much, much better in the same dress? You let me know how that goes.


Hardison: Have you ever been to Kiev? The cake maker of Kiev could whoop all our asses. This is the “butcher”.


Nate: Did you clean out Moscone’s accounts?

Hardison: I left him five dollars for socks.



The Mile High Job

Hardison: Genetically engineered tomatoes, that’s one thing, but carrot on the cob? That’s gonna scare some people, brother.


Hardison: For the Horde!

Cheryl: For the Horde! You play “World of Warcraft”?

Hardison: You kidding? Did you get the new expansion pack? Woman, I was up all night. Now, look, I mean, “Burning Crusade” was great, but this new one is mind-blowing.

Nate [over comms]: Hardison? You bailed on the job because you were up all night playing a game?

[Hardison opens a cupboard to hide behind so he can respond.]

Hardison [quietly]: First off, “game” is hardly adequate, okay?


Hardison: I’m just remote accessing a plane’s electrical system from 3000 miles away. You know what? If you were a geek, you’d be really turned on right now. I’m just saying.


Hardison: Whoa! Whoa! Baby! Uh! Age of the Geek! Smooth, too smooth! Oh Lord, I was so scared, I wanna cry and call my mama. Y’all cool? Y’all cool.



The Snow Job

Hardison: So what, you had leftover Chinese for dinner?

Parker: No, just the cookies.

Hardison: Do you put milk on the fortune cookies? ‘Cause I don’t…

Parker: It’s not cereal, it’s a fortune cookie.


Sophie: So, uh, you can, uh, write that little check now, hmm?

Hardison [listening over comms]: Man, why can’t they all be this easy?

Randy Retzing: Of course not. We have to go to Miami. My dad’s the one who has to write the check.

Hardison: Ah, hell, why they all gotta be this hard?


Nate: Okay, well can we give her a fake tumor, or…?

Hardison: Well, we could inject her brain with some contrast dye, have it pool into her cranial cavity. But there might be some side effects.

Parker: Like what?

Hardison: Organ failure, death, death-like symptoms.


Hardison [just lost Rock Paper Scissors to Eliot]: Well, I’ll be damned. How you do that?

Eliot: You got a tell.

Hardison: I have a tell?

Eliot: Yeah.

Hardison: In “Rock Paper Scissors”?

Eliot: Yeah. Go.


Parker: Are you crying?

Hardison [sniffling]: What’s up? Naw, naw. It’s just Florida air pollen.



The 12-Step Job

Eliot: You ever notice how all bad guys know at least one stripper?

Hardison: You know at least a hundred so what does that say about you?

Eliot: Hey, I’m a bad guy.


Hardison: I’m gonna need change for a hundred, in singles.


Hardison: I might have split a Slushee in your car.


Hardison [watching ‘The Mexicans’ jump the mark in a parking lot]: That’s not how you exchange insurance information.


Eliot: Nice job, blowing out the engine block.

Hardison: I was aiming for his leg.

Eliot: Give me the gun, Hardison!


Hardison: It’s a computer bomb. I know computers. Computer bomb…we gotta reboot the system. Yeah…

Eliot: You want me to kick it?

Hardison: God, I’m gonna die.


Eliot [after he and Hardison diffuse the computer bomb]: Where are you going? We gotta search the car.

Hardison: I’m gonna go and freshen up a little bit, maybe cry a little.


Hardison [to the receptionist at the rehab center]: No, I am with him. See, he thinks the flirting, it makes me jealous, but it doesn’t. You know. But, if you were like Brad Pitt, Denzel or somebody, oh girl, it would be on seriously. [To Eliot]: Bring your ass.



The Juror #6 Job

Parker [tosses an envelope to Hardison]: This isn’t for me. It’s addressed to someone named “Alice White”.

Hardison: You are Alice White. It’s one of the aliases I made for you: vegetarian, bookkeeper. She had a pretty wild time at her sister’s wedding in Phoenix. You should check out her Facebook page.

Parker: Alice White has jury duty.

Hardison: Damn. I am good.


Hardison: Everything I learned about people, I learned ringing doorbells and being in a bow tie. Parker never had that. I mean, jumping from a sky scraper, she’s cool. But making small talk, it’s like pure terror. Just cut her some slack.


Eliot: It’s your turn to be in the dumpster!

Hardison: Naw, man. Naw, I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in a, some extra crunchy Skippy? Then it’s all [fakes breathing with a constricted windpipe] all up in my vocal area. Do you want to give me mouth to mouth? Naw. None of us want that. Hell naw.

Eliot [lands a full bag of trash on Hardison’s back and then warns]: Heads up.


Hardison: I literally cannot make this slower or any more boring. Okay, you know why they say, “Justice wears a blindfold”? So you can’t see that Justice is asleep.

Nate: I am sure there’s whole reservoirs of boring you have yet to plumb.


Hardison [cross examining the defense’s expert witness]: Would that happen to be the incident – Flight 732 out of St Louis – where you-you fondled a flight attendant’s buttocks? Or would that happen to be the incident on Flight 1433 out of Chicago where you drank 17 tiny margaritas, you took your pants off, you stood up on the drink cart, and you sang – quote – “I’m a sexy monkey?”


Nate: Do you realize what you just did? You won a jury trial without cheating.

Hardison: Without cheating? I hacked the government No Fly list and used it to humiliate a witness.

Nate: Excessively. Without cheating excessively.



The First David Job

Nate [interrupting Sophie’s ‘maquette’ explanation]: I know all this.

Hardison: No, no. See, while you are well versed in dead guy art, I myself am not. My entire criminal career is based on technology built after 1981. So I am riveted. Quite so. [To Sophie]: Please do go on.


Parker [to the fake maquette]: Look little buddy, that’s your new home!

Hardison: Can you please not play with the little naked man? Please?


Parker: Which conversation do you want to listen to?

Hardison: That’s what stereo was made for.


Hardison [over comms]: Nate, is Maggie a very good art inspector?

Nate: Yeah, she’s the best.

Parker: No, no, no! We can’t let your ex-wife anywhere near our little naked man!


Hardison [after Parker bypasses a complicated security system]: You did not just think about this on the way in from the van.

Parker: Some people do crosswords.


Hardison [in regard to the pilot of the plane he is trying to “borrow”]: “Uncomfortable with Black authority figure.”

Pilot: No, sir, please don’t write that.

Hardison: I will write a letter to your mama if I feel like it.



The Second David Job


Parker: Who ripped out the toilets?

Hardison: This was an IRS foreclosure. I got it cheap.

Eliot: IRS doesn’t take toilets.

Hardison: They do when they’re solid gold. Heard this used to be MC Hammer’s place. I guess you can touch this, with a SWAT team and a federal warrant.


Hardison: No, no. Sterling, he knows our game, man. Okay? It’s gonna be twice as hard to steal those statues.

Nate: Oh, no, no. It’ll be four times as hard. They know we’re coming.


Maggie [in response to Nate’s explanation of the con]: You actually expect this to work?

Hardison: Um, look, no, no. You’re supposed to say, “Wow. That’s just crazy enough to work.”


Maggie: This is confidential. You’re not reading my emails, are you?

Hardison: Nah, nah. [Under his breath to Nate] Yes.


Maggie: You can’t just make somebody do what you want them to do.

Eliot: Whoa! [Everyone starts chuckling.] What?

Hardison: T-That’s what we do. I mean…

Parker [petting Maggie’s head]: You’re adorable.


Hardison: Uh, actually, you know what, we kinda like the way Sophie ran the last one.

Eliot: Yeah, yeah. Right up to the point where she got us caught. But other than that, it was great.


Hardison: Oh, and also, the three guys that actually discovered the tomb. Eliot, what does that say?

Eliot: It says, “Dead.”

Hardison: D-E-D, dead baby.

Eliot and Nate: D-E-A-D.

Hardison: I- I know how to- I was throwin’ a little style on it. Just a little bit. A little style. I know how to spell dead, damn it. I can steal a bank, I can spell dead.


Hardison: Oh, did she give you the speech about how we’re thieves, and about how this is what thieves do, and if we were in her shoes we’d have done the same thing?

Eliot: No, I think she was just getting to that part.


Hardison [after the team has agreed to split up]: Where you going?

Parker: Let’s see how hard you look.


Contributor: Amy Smith