Season 2

Monday, Aug 30, 2010




The Beantown Bailout


Hardison (to Sophie): You know…I’m sure the reviews will be…

[Sophie holds up phone to him] ….on the news website already.


Hardison: I spent 3 days hacking the White House email. No buzz.

Sophie: See?

Hardison: But we are doing some pretty hinky stuff in Pakistan. Hinky.

Sophie: Look, I’m miserable, they’re miserable. Ok, what have you been doing the last six months?

Eliot: I was in Pakistan.

Hardison [to Nate]: You…you see what you did? You took the world’s best criminals…hitter, hacker, grifter, thief. You took us and you broke us.


Hardison [to bank employee]: Oh, bless you, bless you sweets. Bless you. You are the twinkle in that song “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” Thank you much.


Hardison [to bank employee]: And the children, the children thank you. They will send you a card just as soon as we buy them tiny pencils, and teach them how to spell. It’s a two-step process. You see?


Parker: Shake it.

Hardison: What?

Parker: Shake the Bible.

Hardison: This is even more wrong. I did look for you. For six months.

Parker: Done. The key. Done. I think people are like locks. Really complicated and frustrating, but you can’t force them. You have to take time and be fiddly.

Hardison: Fiddly?

Parker: You learn to be patient and just wait until you hear the…{lock clicks open}. We could open every box in here with that key.

Hardison: Focus

Parker: We could steal everything. Clean them out.

Hardison: Focus!

Parker: I’m just sayin’.

Hardison: I’m just sayin’.


Nate: I asked Eliot to get rid of this stuff. Now there’s more stuff.

Hardison: Did you? No. We.. We crossed, but didn’t see each other. He didn’t tell me.

Nate: Oh, that’s how you’re going to play this?

Hardison: Oh, man. Look. [sniffs] What is that…is that.. What is that aroma? That’s that apple shampoo that’s up there.

Nate: You’ve been up in my shower, rummaging around?

Hardison: Man’s in a strange bathroom, he’s got a lot of time to kill…

Nate [sighs]: All right, all right.


Eliot: This is all the stuff I found at the warehouse in the boxes.

Hardison: Check it out. A 1981 calendar of Hall and Oates. The first two months are all Hall, no Oates. Cold, man.


Hardison: Mr. Leary, I’m Detective Costello with the Massachusetts State Police. This is Detective Costigan. I believe you met with our chief lieutenant Bonanno.

Mr. Leary: Uh, yeah. How can I help you?

Parker: We’re investigating your colleague Matt Kerrigan’s “car accident.”

Mr. Leary: So you don’t think it was an accident?

Hardison: Of course not. She did the finger thing. You got that. Everybody gets that.

Parker: Did I do it right?

Hardison: No, no, this guy…. You recognize this man?

Mr. Leary: No. Listen, I don’t know what kind of stuff Matt was getting into.

Hardison: You sure? You never went to the movies?

Mr. Leary: I don’t really know.

Hardison: Never went shopping together?

Mr. Leary: No. I didn’t…

Hardison: Never went to your house? Never did parties? Did time with your family at Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukah?

Mr. Leary: No. Didn’t know him that well.

Hardison: You sure? Went to the pool? Played a little pool, knocking each other’s balls around?

Mr. Leary: Not really, no, no.


Eliot: Hey, this detonator, if I’m around the corner, is it still gonna be in range?

Hardison: Should be. I haven’t worked out all the kinks yet. Sometimes the things just go off.

Eliot: Wait! Hey. I thought you said this thing was safe.

Hardison: Mostly. Mostly safe. I was very specific. Sometimes the frequencies get messed up.

Eliot: What frequencies, man? Huh? I got these things in my pants.

Hardison: Like, uh, you know, a garage door opener, a car alarm…[car alarm chirps]

[Eliot flinches]

Parker: What are the odds that Eliot’s crotch will actually explode?

Eliot: Damn it, Hardison!


Nate: You can’t just break in here and start hanging…

Hardison: For repairs and renovations, your landlord has full access to your dwelling. It’s in the lease…

Nate: What are you doing reading my lease?

Hardison: I bought the building.

Nate: You bought the…You’re my landlord?

Hardison: Yeah.



The Tap-Out Job


Eliot: Lock that in. You don’t have to hold the arms, see that’s a triangle choke. That’s nasty. Just press on his carotid artery then the guy will submit by tap out.

Hardison: Eliot. I’m tapping! I’m tapping!

Eliot: These fights are won by inches.

Hardison: I can’t breathe!

Eliot: All about leverage.

Hardison: I don’t see it. Nobody sees it.

Sophie: It looks really painful.

Hardison: It is painful.

Nate: No TV deal you said, huh? Yeah, Hardison, what are this guy’s other interests, this Rucker guy?

Hardison: Seriously, you askin me a question right now?

[Nate and Sophie continue talking]

Hardison [in the background]: Help me! Let me go! She’s killing me!


Hardison: Now, this, this is what you’ll be playing. I replaced the core with a torus of high-density polymer. When it spins, it creates a gyroscopic effect. You could hit this thing with a garden hoe and it’d fly straighter than an army parade. Now this is what Rucker will be playing. It’s got thermal nanotech inside, like RFID chips, but ones that heat up and allow me to redistribute the energy upon impact from the club head. I can bend it like Beckham, baby.


Hardison: On it. There’s a tractor pull on Grant Island. A livestock show in Council Bluffs. White people doing other white people things. Oh, uh, Sophie, there’s a Triana concert in Omaha.


Nate: Triana? Really.

Hardison: Hey, man, you’re lucky I didn’t give you a monster truck rally on an Indian reservation.


Hardison [to teenage girls mobbing him]: Ladies, ladies, please, look, for the last time, I am not the tailback for the Cornhuskers. So, go on. I don’t even know what a cornhusk is.


Hardison: Camera three, camera three. Move off her. I don’t….She’s hideous. the chick is packing. Trust me. Triana doesn’t have any pretty fans? Todd Laurence ain’t happy. I’m not happy. This is some bull. Seriously, guys. I thought we were running a professional show here, people. Run that back. Give me a replay. Gi….I’m sorry, did, did I stutter?

Parker: You heard the man. Give him some replay.


Hardison: You know what I can do? I can re-task a satellite. I can get a Level Three NSA clearance. But I can’t hack a hick.


Hardison: Where’s your cousin Jimmy now?





The Order 23 Job


Hardison: Eddie’s new address in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, is the original Club Fed.

Eliot: He’s got his own nine-hold golf course. Vegan menu.

Hardison: This dude can play Frisbee with the guys from Enron in the Quadrangle.


Hardison: What are you…? What are you doing?

Nate: Eliot, Hardison…

Eliot: This is my shirt. It’s a 17.

Hardison: No. Give me the shirt. Don’t make me…

Eliot: Gotta have the 17.

Nate: Guys?

Hardison: Gimme….No, wait.…I can’t wear a size sixteen nick, ok? I got to breathe.

Eliot: I got to wear scrubs underneath the uniform. I need a bigger neck.

Nate: Just keep your eye on the marshals, all right? We got two hours starting now. Go.

Hardison: You’re gonna give me that shirt.

Eliot: Listen to me son, you need those fingers to type on your little keyboard, don’t ya?

Hardison: Just so you know, a bully is just a cowboy with low self-esteem.

Eliot: What was that, man?

Hardison: I said, what.

Eliot: My insecure ass gonna be wearin’ this shirt.


Hardison: Let’s go over the code.

Eliot: What code? We’re a couple of cops.

Hardison: Unarmed cops who may need to communicate in code. So look, I’ll casually mention Star Trek.

Eliot: Great, ‘cause that comes up a lot.

Hardison: It does. Look, if I mention Star Trek one, three, or five, then everything’s OK because the odd ones suck but if I mention two, four or six, then we’re in trouble. Say I mention, The Search for Spock, what do you do?

Eliot: I don’t have a TV.

Hardison: Look it, everybody has TV’s. Dead people have TV’s. You don’t have a TV.


Hardison: All we gotta do is keep these marshals out of the MRI room.

Eliot: I don’t know why you gotta bring stupid-ass donuts. Man, you’re not even ready.

Hardison: Now, I am ready. I am 97.10 percent ready.


Hardison: Sure thing. Yipitee-skip. Me and Ted will meet you downstairs.


Hardison: Eliot, can you talk? What’s Charlie doin;?

Eliot: I haven’t gotten there yet.

Hardison: No wonder I couldn’t hear you on my comms. Eliot, stop checkin’ out the nurses and get your ass down to Charlie.

Eliot: I’m on my way, all right? Shut up. [Eliot removes comm]


Hardison: Eliot, you remember when Eddie got a slap on the wrist because the judge said he provided substantial assistance to the government? Yeah, well, it looks like Eddie ratted out the Armenian mob. And Marshall Charlie, he ain’t a fed. He’s a hitman sent to kill Eddie. Unless duct tape and lye are standard issue for a Deputy U.S. Marshal. Eliot. You…? Eliot, are you there? Can you hear me?


Hardison [over PA]: Would Dr. Ralph O. Khan please report to surgery. Dr. Ralph O. Khan, report to surgery. Ralph O. Khan!


[Eliot puts comm back in his ear]

Hardison: You think you can just ignore me like I don’t have any feelings. Like I never sat there, never listened to you talk all night about trying…

Eliot: Hardison, have you been talking the whole time?

Hardison: I wouldn’t of had to if you didn’t turn off your daggum comm.

Eliot: I took care of the fake marshal. Where’s the real one?

Hardison: Eliot, it uh, looks like he’s in the stairwell on his way to…Oh, no. It ain’t good, man.


Eliot: Ralph O. Khan?

Hardison: Man, you should see what ideas you come up with when you got no blood flow to your brain.


Hardison: Oh. Yeah. [scoffs] Oh, sweet news, guys. Couple units picked our guy up downtown. He had a mental breakdown or something. He was complaining about the plague or locusts or like, hemorrhoids or…


Eliot: A-17

Hardison: Wow. That’s..

Eliot: Oh. Look at…[chuckles]

[Fake Marshal wakes up and screams as they pull him out of morgue drawer]

Hardison: Oh! Son of a….!

[Eliot punches fake Marshal and knocks him out]

Hardison: Whoa! He lunged at me. You saw that. Right? He lunged at me.

Eliot: Weird.

Hardison: I’m writing this in my report. He’s supposed to be dead. What the hell? What the hell?

Eliot: That guy.



The Fairy Godparents Job


Hardison: Hey, this looks like an ordinary cell phone, right? It’s not, man. It’s a metal detector. See, it uses pulse induction technology that sends out a current, it generates a magnetic field, and….[stammering] Are you even listening?

Eliot: Yeah.

Hardison: Well, what did I say?

Eliot: You’re explaining how you’re still a virgin?


Nate: Who is that?

Hardison: Oh. The kid. The kid’s from her first marriage. Widmark.

Eliot: I’m sorry. What? Widmark?

Hardison: Rich people, man.

Eliot: Jeez.


Nate: Wow. Ok. What do we got on the kid?

Hardison: Widmark Fowler. Age 10. No arrests, no outstanding warrants.

Nate: Hardison.


Hardison [to Principal]: Oh! Dr. Jerrod! Dr. Jerrod! Come! [hugs Principal] Mmm! Oh! It’s…Ah, it’s a pleasure. I am Anando Buhari, Botswana special envoy. I work for President Khama. He was most impressed when he read your paper you wrote as a student. How do you say your…thes…thesis?

Dr. Jerrod: The president of Botswana read my grad school thesis?

Hardison: Yes! All 600 glorious pages from which insight drips like honey upon which bees of wisdom feast. The president is rebuilding the educational system from the ground up. Would you consider going to Botswana to meet him? All expenses paid, of course.

Dr. Jerrod [grabs ticket]: Yes.


Hardison [to realtor]: Oh, it’s…the place…it’s fantastical. What do you think, Binky?

Parker: It’s a little small.

Hardison: The…the apartment, Binky. What do you think of the apartment? We’ll take it. She…she loves air.


McSweeten: Special Agent Hagen? It’s me, McSweeten. Todd, from the Moscone mob case last year?

Parker: Oh! [laughs] Yeah.

Hardison: I lost him.

Parker: You dropped this [hands Hardison gun]

Hardison: Yeah! I didn’t even realize…Yes, I dropped it.

Taggert: Agent Thomas. Good to see you again.

Hardison: Right back at you…um…

Parker: Taggert, from the Moscone case.

Hardison [stammering]: Right. Right, right. So, what you all been up to?

Taggert: Well, actually, we’ve had a pretty good run of it lately. Closed some big cases.

McSweeten: Big.

Taggert: Moscone, for one.

McSweeten: Moscone no mo’-ne.

Taggert: We also shut down a huge meth ring in California, during a bank robbery.

McSweeten: What are you guys doing here?

Hardison: I mean, we…We undercover, man. Yeah. More manpower on the Fowler case.

Taggert: Oh, we weren’t…

McSweeten: They never said anything about…

Parker: We’re your secret backup.

McSweeten: Well, that’s great!

Parker: Ssshhh! Secret.

Hardison: So…me and you…you, I, us, we should resume surveillance. Fellas.


Hardison: Man, one of his victims wants payback money. He wants to be paid….back.

Eliot: Well, one of you two can identify the gunman, right?

Hardison: Yeah, sure. He stopped and let me take a picture of him as I was chasing him.

Eliot: You know what? I’ve been around little kids all day, I don’t need to come home and do all this crap.

Hardison: You know, man, I’ve been in this pink shirt and these tight plaid pants, these old Webster loafers, this girl walking on my back. I don’t need this.


Hardison: Could I take a look at your log for Fowler’s phone calls? I mean, if I put in a request to home office…

Taggert: Nah. That takes forever. Pencil pushers don’t understand what it’s like for us out in the field, face-to-face with crime.

Hardison: Yeah, nose-to-nose with evil.

Taggert: I can hear that.


Hardison [removes Parker’s cup from blueprints]: This is why we can’t have nice things.


Taggert: I think your partner is sweet on McSweeten.

Hardison: What? No!

Taggert: Huh? Oh. Ahem. Anyway….uh the judge approved Fowler’s day pass, so he can go see some play his kid is doing at school.

Hardison: Final-frickin’-ly, man. I…..I love the theater. [stammers] Cats? [chuckles] Rowr.


Hardison: Oh. Hey, guys, can we get a minute? Now look, quick update. One of us is gonna have to stay upstairs with the surveillance equipment.

Parker: Lucky me.

Taggert: Ok. Well, we only really need two agents on Fowler, so why don’t we switch up?

McSweeten [chuckles]: Yeah, yeah. That’s a good idea. You know, I could just stay here with Agent Hagen.

Taggert: Yeah.

Hardison [stammers]: Uh. You know what? Hagen, you go with the guys. More manpower on the suspect. I’ll baby-sit the equipment…

Taggert: Ok.

[Hardison chuckles]

Parker: What are you doing?

Hardison: Look, Agent McSweetheart’s gonna go wherever you go so you, you gotta go to the school and I’m just…Just talk me through the break-in.


Hardison: How much time do I have, Parker?

McSweeten: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Parker: I believe that when you meet someone you have 30 seconds, before the bells and whistles go off. Don’t be afraid to override the feelings…Don’t be blue.

Hardison: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm…Ok, I got you. 30 seconds, don’t be blue, override. What, does that mean cut the blue wire or don’t cut the blue wire? Parker?

McSweeten: That is…That is so true. I think you need to be honest…

Parker: 20 seconds.

Hardison [stammering]: I can’t count in 20 seconds how many blue wires there are. Parker, help me out.

McSweeten: Not following.

Parker: You just have to cut loose, output your feelings. Snip that blue mood in the…

Hardison: Output? Output? Ok, I got it. Got you. Out, out, out, out….Come here, ya blue…Got it. [chuckles] Daddy’s home.


Hardison: Excuse me for interrupting prom night with my annoying felony burglary. Ungrateful, just ungrateful.


Hardison: Yeah! Hacking, rappelling, whatever. Put me in a dress. I can do all y’all’s jobs. [opens safe] It’s empty.



The Three Days of the Hunter Job


Hardison: Now, we’ve stolen a lot of odd things before, but how do we steal back a man’s reputation?


Hardison: Oh, no. All this construction is goin’ on underground. Under, beneath the eyes. The eyes of the world, man. They don’t want you to see. Congress doesn’t know, governors don’t know, Red Cross, ACLU, National Geographic. Nobody knows, man. Nobody, man. They’re puttin’ terrorists in your backyard. Terrorists under your backyard. “Hey, little Billy, go outside. Dig in the sandbox. Ooh, klang. What’d ya find, little Billy? What’d ya find? It’s a terrorist. It’s a bunker full of terrorists, man.” Bunker, man.

Monica: What other sources do you have besides tin foil hat over here?

Hardison: Hey, hey, hey, man. Bein’ a tin foil hat, that’s better than bein’ a lap dog for the four corporations that control the global media, man.


Hardison [on the phone to Nate]: Hey, make sure to set the Tivo. I want to see how I look with the fuzzy dot on my face.


Hardison: Don’t stop. Come on.

Monica: They ran her over.

Hardison: I know. But we gotta go. Security cameras, the ATM cameras, the traffic cameras. We’re always being watched. Just put your head down. Act natural.

Monica: Why are you dressed like a mailman?

Hardison: Invisible man, mailman, nobody notices the mailman. He blends right in. Just like a circus clown.


Nate: They’re cleaning up the lose ends.

Hardison: Not the ends, man. Not the ends, man. I like the beginnings of stuff.


Monica: If you think the American people are gonna stand by and watch while thousands of D.C. residents get sick and…

Hardison: [stammering] Thousands? Thousands? You don’t get it, man. It’s in the water. Once it’s in the condensation cycle, it starts getting’ in the rain clouds and raindrops and rain that keeps falling, man. It’s not raining men, man. It’s raining death. It’s raining death, man.


Sophie: The only question is whether Hardison guessed her sources right.

Hardison [stammers]: Guess? Guess?

Sophie: Well, you know.

Hardison: Woman, my name Alec Hardison. I do not guess, OK? Look, journalists, they’re lazy. They always go back to the same sources. I compared Monica Hunter’s stories for the last ten years and created a heuristic model based on her sources. I filtered by story type, priority and evidentiary chain. Look, sex scandal: 87 percent chance she goes to these sources. Serial killer scare: 90 percent she contact these sources for confirmation. Government secrets and health scare intersects: 95 percent chance she goes to these sources. Look, look. Right there. She’s emailing them right now. Look. I am answering for them.


Hardison [stammering to soldier]: All this is an Army base?

Soldier: What did you think it was?

Hardison: You…I…I don’t know. I don’t know that white woman. Met her at a bar. She said we was goin’ back to her place. I thought it was a gated community.

Soldier: And the video camera?

Hardison: She a freak, man.

Soldier: Hold on [goes to talk on phone].

Hardison [on comm to others]: Get me out of here.

Sophie: Yeah, I’m working on it.

Parker: I’m on it.

Sophie: No, no, no, no, no. You cannot go. You’re dead. Monica Hunter sees you and the whole con is blown.

Parker: Right.

Hardison: Damn the con. I’m a black man caught on an Army base with a video camera. I am going to jail forever.


Nate: We’re gonna have to stall.

Hardison: Stall? Eliot, get me everything you can on a Lieutenant Abbot. Just, just do do what I taught you.

Eliot: Now, the “http” thing comes before the “www-dot,” right?

Hardison: Eliot!

Eliot: Which one’s the forward slash?

Sophie: Oh, come on.

Hardison: It ain’t the time, Eliot. It ain‘t, it ain’t the time.

Eliot: You see it’s not that much fun when you’re hanging out there in the wind and there’s a dude behind a laptop cracking jokes, is there?


Lt. Abbot: Sir, I need to know why you’re on this base.

Hardison [channeling Samuel Jackson]: Yes. Why am I on this base?

Lt. Abbot: I’m asking you.

Hardison: No. I’m asking you. Why am I on this base? Why am I in this room?

Lt. Abbot: So I can ask you questions.

Hardison: Or maybe it’s so I can ask you questions, Lieutenant Kyle Abbot, Social Security 823-24-6270?

Lt. Abbot: I don’t know what you’re up to.

Hardison: Maybe you’re not cleared to know. Two disciplinary actions? That one in Germany? Tisk, tisk, tisk. Maybe you’re just too much of a security risk. [Abbot starts to get up] [Hardison slams table] Did I say you could leave? [Abbot gulps]


Hardison: Do not adjust your set. I control the horizontal. I control the vertical.


Parker: Loch Ness Monster?

Hardison: Loch Ness Submarine.

Parker: No!!

Eliot: Scottish waters are cold and deep. It’s a perfect place to test.

Parker: Area 51.

Eliot: True.

Hardison: False.

Eliot: That’s true.

Hardison: False. She said Area 51. 51.

Eliot: I’m sorry. False. Area 52.

Hardison: Been there.

Eliot: Yup.



The Top Hat Job


Hardison: Her name is Katie. She likes wild horses. Dislikes vanilla toothpicks.

Eliot: Please stop talkin.

[Eliot tries to get girl’s attention]

Eliot: Oh, I’m so in.

Hardison: Hey, Eliot. What is that blocking your button cam? Oh, yeah. It’s your ego.


Hardison: Hey look, man, where do you think my intel comes from? For the last time, there is no blueprint fairy.


Eliot: Hardison, we got a problem.

Hardison: What kind of problem?

Eliot: They’re MRI’ing my pizza and their stance says ex-CIA.

Hardison: You could tell somebody worked for the CIA just from how they stand?

Goon: Detain him.

Eliot: It’s a very distinctive stance.


Nate: So what we have to do is, we have to get a hold of Casten’s report and make it public. It’s on the servers. How do we get into the building?

Hardison: I’m so far ahead of you, man, it’s scary. Look, I can’t hack their system from the outside, so I sent a Trojan phone. It’s hacker 101. What I did was messenger a Smartphone with an extended battery to an employee that’s on vacation. The package sits in the mail room. It scans for wireless and Bluetooth access points. Unfortunately, even their internal servers are locked down like the CIA. So, all I was able to get was employee emails.

Sophie: Well, anything useful there?

Hardison: Oh, yeah. You know what? Marie from Payroll has a crush on Steve from Accounts Receivable. Look, that’s Steve right there on his vacation in Florida a month ago.

Parker: She likes him? Really?

Hardison: Oh, yeah. That man is a sexy man-beast right there. Now, Shannon and Chris from Marketing, they got a little fight going on with Lauren from Ads.

Sophie: Office politics. God. It’s lucky we don’t have that.

Hardison: Everybody up in there’s complaining about this state of the company thing tomorrow. And Brian from IT….

Nate: That’s it right there. That’s our way in.

Hardison: Brian from IT? No, he is not a team player.


Hardison: Yeah, Kara. Love you! Love you.

Chronos: Silence.

Parker [whispering]: Love you too. Sorry.

Chronos: Now, Kara…are you ready to step into the box of mystery?

Parker: Uh…[chuckles] I don’t know.

Chronos: I assure you, it’s perfectly safe.

Hardison: I love you. That’s my girl. That’s my baby. Sexy, isn’t she? She’s been doing Pilates.

Chronos: Give Kara a round of applause

Hardison: Now, sexy-stuff, go ahead, girl. Do what you do.


Hardison: Snoodles. Love you.


Hardison: It’s what I do. A man, a phone, no limits.


Eliot: How long is this gonna take?

Hardison: As long as it has to take. You know, I was just pulled up to the ceiling of an elevator by my pants so do not take that tone with me.


Hardison: Oh, you’d be surprised at what I can do.


Eliot: Gummy frogs?

Hardison: Mm-hmm. You see gummy frogs have the same resistance as human skin about twenty milliohms. What’d I say? That’s a low-tech hack right there. It’s a piece of cake.


Erik: Magic tricks?

Hardison: Hey, many you lookin’ at all my stuff. That’s all my business. Man, you know what? You, sir, should expect a very strongly worded letter from the Magicians Local 77.



The Two Live Crew Job


Hardison: It’s easier to hack a wall than a high tech security system.


Hardison: The man bought Holocaust art on the black market and hung it for display in his office. You think he care if anybody knows he’s got it?


Sophie: So, this is, um…This is what you do, right? You take footage of us on comms and you, you…download it into that.

Hardison: Yeah, I analyze it. I monitor comms. I scan for all police frequencies. You had no idea I do all this, did you?

Sophie: Well, that, uh…

Hardison: Does, does nobody respect the van? The van is important. What is that?

Sophie: It’s lemon zest tea ‘cause I gotta tell you it’s a little bit…it’s a little bit whiffy in here.

Hardison: It smells like hard work is what it smells like. Did…whiffy?


Sophie: That was some nice things you said at my funeral.

Hardison: Well, we trust Nate to make sure the plan works. We trust you to make sure we’re all OK.


Chaos: I said, who is this?

Hardison: Hey, uh, you are bumpin’ into my baby monitor frequency. So, what I’m gonna need you to do, ‘cause little Shiloh needs to take a nap, is turn yours off. K, thanks.

Chaos: Your baby is incredibly intelligent. He just attempted to launch a multiple variant computer worm at my baby monitor’s firewall.


Hardison: Chaos, I heard you were in jail. Guess I was wrong.

Chaos: Hardison, I heard you sucked. Guess I was right.


Hardison: This person is ex-Mossad, sealed records. Mikel Dayan used to work both sides as a mercenary.

Eliot: Mikel Dayan? I know that name.

Hardison: You were scared to fight a girl.

Eliot: She’d mop the floor with your ass.

Hardison: I don’t care.

Eliot: Seriously, she actually killed a guy once with a mop.


Hardison: Now, this here’s Colin Mason, otherwise known by his hacker handle as Chaos, as…whatever. Hacked the Pentagon, the NSA. The CIA computer guys call him the Kobayashi Maru.

Eliot: What the hell is that?

Hardison: None of y’all got that? Seriously?

Parker: Star Trek

Hardison: Thank you.


Hardison: Can’t hack a classic.


Hardison: Quick thinking. What you did setting off all the alarms like that, you’re gonna be heroes.

Guard: Well, that’s what they pay us for.

Hardison: Should pay you more. You are my hero. You guys you are the salt of the earth. Seriously. You are the red in the Red Cross and in the red, white and blue. I gotta go.


Hardison: Handcuffs. Y’all nasty.



The Ice Man Job


Hardison: Lay the arms down brother, he’s cool. You have to excuse my bodyguard. He’s touchy. It’s ‘cause he’s a mute. All right?


Hardison: Brother, you got it all last week.

Kerrity: The heist. Yes, that was me.

Hardison: So’d you use the Romanovs back there or just hire out? I’m in the business, Jimmy boy. I can smell an inside job.

Kerrity: So, what do you do in the business, Mr…?

Hardison: Oh, I’m a thief. They call me….the Ice Man.

Nate: Ice Man? No, Hardison, you have to, uh, have a light touch. Undersell.

Kerrity: What kind of thief calls himself a thief?

Hardison: An uncatchable one with a brilliant reputation. You’ve seen my work in Perth. The Polar Star? Nicked it. The Gem of Gibralter? Nicked it. The Damiani raid? Distraction while I nicked everything in the vault next door. Big stones, trust me.


Eliot: Ice Man?

Hardison: Hey, I put a lot of work into that character.

Eliot: Seriously.

Hardison: No, no. No, I bought new clothes, ugly as hell, too.

Eliot: This always happens when you go on the grift, Hardison.

Hardison: I put stories on the website.

Eliot: You go too big.


Eliot: When you get in too deep on this, I aint’ bailin’ your ass out.

Hardison: I don’t need you to bail me out. I’m the Ice Man.

Eliot: Not. Gonna. Help.


Hardison: The Ice Man cometh. Let me introduce you to my laser, Glinda.


Hardison: Be cool, baby. Ice cool. Hey, who wants to go for a spin?

Eliot: I can’t believe you rented a Ferrari.

Hardison: Rented?

Parker: I’ll get a ride home with Eliot.

Hardison: Y’all are just jealous.


Hardison: Uh, I need to make a quick call. Bug the old lady. Let her know I’m not makin’ it in tonight. You know birds.

Russian: Of course.

Hardison: Yeah, yeah, Sheila, not makin’ it in tonight. Yeah, work thing. Bugger all.

Sophie: Hardison? Are you calling me in character?

Hardison: I told you, butternut. It’s work. I can’t get out of it.

Sophie: What accent is that? Ooh. Ooh, you’ve been nabbed.

Hardison: Afraid so.

Sophie: Is it the mark?

Hardison: No. No, muffin, no.

Sophie: It’s the goons. You oversold the part. You fell into the trap of the overzealous henchman. But don’t worry about that. It happens all the time. As long as they’re not Russians.

Hardison: It’s gonna be a bit of a problem.

Sophie: It’s the Russians? I’m gonna have to phone Nate.

Hardison: Uh, leave it off, crumpet.

Sophie: No, no, no, listen. Hardison, you cannot talk your way out of Russians. I mean, you can stall them maybe for a bit. But whatever you do, do not tell them you can do anything else.

Hardison: Smooches. Love her.


Nate: How bad is it?

Parker: No way Hardison’s gonna be able to break into that vault.

Hardison: What is Hardison gonna do?

Nate: Hardison is gonna pretend to break into the vault.


Eliot: Next time, I’m playing the thief.

Hardison: I’d like to hear you do an accent.

Eliot: I’d like to hear you do an accent.

Hardison: I went to Second City in Chicago.

Eliot: Where’d you find time between that and karate at the Y?

Hardison: You know what? Just, just shut up.


Russian: You are really everything you claimed.

Hardison: If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.

Russian: Yes, yes you are. Yes you are. I’m sorry. Just a saying. English, very tricky.


Hardison: Do you mind? Personal space.


Eliot: What are you smiling’ at? You still screwed it up.

Hardison: I’m smiling ‘cause you said if I got in trouble, you wouldn’t help me.

Eliot: Parker made me.

Parker: No, I didn’t.

Hardison: Come on, man. Let’s hug it out.

Eliot: I’m not huggin’ it out, Ice Man.

Hardison: Just hug it… Just a little man love.

Eliot: I’m not huggin’ it out with you.

Hardison: No…

Eliot: Sit down on your stool

Hardison: Don’t make this awkward.

Eliot: What are you doin’, man?

Hardison: This is uncomfortable now. Get in the pits, man.

Eliot: I’m gonna break your frickin’ arm.



The Lost Heir Job

 Hardison: [to Nate] You do not let Vicki Vale into the Bat Cave, ever.


Nate:  We can’t just keep calling Sophie

Hardison:  Ok, I see how it is.  We can’t call her, but you can go off and have a little secret meeting with her.

Nate:  Secret meeting?  What are you talking about? I was in Harrisburg, researching a client.

Hardison:  Wow. ‘Cause you know what? Your passport got dinged going through Heathrow Airport yesterday.  Heathrow’s in London.  I guess you couldn’t get a direct flight over to Harrisburg.

Eliot:  Well, it’s hard when you do the same day booking.

Hardison:  Yeah, ‘cause you have to go with the….Did you realize that London is the home of the most surveillance cameras in the world?

Parker:  Really?

Hardison:  Who feels like playing Where’s Waldo?

Parker: [raising hand] Oh!

Hardison: I do. Uh!  There’s Waldo right there.  Waldo Ford.  Oh, is that Big Ben?  And you?


Hardison:  Tara Carlisle.  She checks out.  Civil rights lawyer, does a lot of pro bono work.  Collects lost causes like kittens.

Eliot:  Well, she’s honest.

Hardison:  Crusader, incorruptible, and one sexy librarian.


Eliot:  [to guard] After batting in the big leagues this’ll be like T-ball for us. So how does it work here?

Guard:  Uh, well, if an inmate gets three disciplinary marks he gets shipped to maximum security prison at Salem.

Eliot:  Shhh.  No, no, no, no, no.

Guard:  No excuses.

Hardison:  He said… He said maximum secur…And I got bad, bad….I remember things, man.

Eliot: [to Hardison] It’s okay. [to guard] This man survived the riot of Cellblock H, man.  How you gonna bring that up?

Guard:  Oh, no, no, no.  Look, look.  Nothing like that ever happens here.  I mean, half these guys are CEOs.

Eliot:  CEOs.

Guard:  Ah, for example, Mr. Orson here.  He’s been a model prisoner for the last five years.


Hardison:  They made the transfer on account of what happened to me during the riot.

Orson:  There was a riot?  I didn’t hear about it.

Hardison:  I’m not even supposed to talk about it.  I’m sorry but the BOP’s trying to keep it hush-hush.  ‘Cause they didn’t even keep the riots down.  They just let the gangs take over.  They was all up in there, man.  Do you know what the Mexican cartel is?  They was all up in there with the Aryan Nation and the Fruits of Islam.  Everybody was up in there.  The colors, purple, red. And then they was just hitting people.

Eliot:  It’s not your fault.  All right, you can’t be that close to the prisoner.  You know that.  Back, please.

Hardison:  No, ‘cause… I can’t be… He’s in my personal space.


Eliot:  Pardon me Roger.  Is this guy giving you any trouble?

Hardison:  No. Why?

Eliot:  Well, because I just go the report of an inmate that matches his description that may be carrying a weapon.  Can you stand for me, sir?

Hardison:  No

Orson:  The only thing I’m carrying is his queen.

Hardison:  You got me, PJ.

Eliot:  Officer

Guard:  Sorry, PJ, you know, it’s regulations here.  (pulls shiv out of pocket)

Hardison:  Whoo!  Hm-mmm!

Orson:  That’s not mine.

Hardison:  That’s a shiv.  It’s a shiv.  That’s a shiv.

Orson:  This is outrageous.  Why would I do that?

Hardison:  ‘Cause you’re Aryan Nation.  You said you was coming to get me.  I knew you…You was gonna cut my head off, put it in a bucket.


Hardison:  That man was gonna shank me over an omelet.  Two eggs and a slice of government cheese.  Is that what my life is worth?  You better go on. Get away from me.


Hardison: [to Nate on comm.] Bro, you in there with nothing.  You better talk about your momma.


Hardison:  I gotta say, even with my bag of tricks, I can’t rewrite Parker’s genetic code.




The Runway Job


 Eliot:  What?

Hardison:  Is that, is that mascara?  Dude, you got on guy-liner, man?  And the leather pants.  What…?

Eliot:  This is …Listen, this is fashion-y.

Hardison:  If you’re Steven Seagal.  What?

Eliot:  Don’t

Hardison:  Not everybody can rock the scarf.

Tara:  I was gonna say Stephen Tyler, but Seagal works.

Hardison:  It’s a bold choice, man.  I respect it.


Nate:  Listen, I know what I’m doing. I’ve got it under control. We got less than an hour.  We need some designer’s plans?  We gotta get…

Hardison:  Hold…hold…I got… Ok, there’s one show left today.  Andre V. has a hip=hop couture line.

Nate:  Great.  Perfect.  Go get those plans.

Hardison:  Wait, wait, wait.  What are we doing?

Nate:  We are gonna make Gloria Pan’s dreams come true.

Hardison:  Maybe I wanted to meet Andre V.  Did nobody think of that?  Selfish.




The Bottle Job

 Hardison:  Look man, it is 9:00pm on a Friday night.  All the banks are closed.

Parker:  ATMs.

Hardison:  Daily withdrawal limits.  Look, if y’all want me to do an electronic wire transfer of 100 grand between the Caymans and Madagascar, I can do that.  But if you’re talking cold hard cash, you’re out of luck.  I’m sorry.  Welcome to the future.

Eliot:  Just use your little slimmer thing, man,  and gank the ATMs.

Hardison:  It’s called a skimmer, but thank you for trying.  And, no, I don’t have that thing anymore.  Look, we’re the good guys now.  I haven’t used that thing in months.

Parker:  Months?

Hardison:  Yeah.

Eliot:  We’ve been the good guys longer than that.

Hardison:  Well, we had a break.


Hardison:  I’m about to splice, well, everything.


Hardison:  Whoo!  Yeah, baby.  Yeah.  That’s what I’m talking about right there.  Yeah.

Tara:  I didn’t realize you were quite that into basketball.

Hardison:  Ba…basketball?  Woman.  We just pulled off  The Wire in the time it takes to get a pizza delivered.  This is a big win.  Big.  They’re gonna talk about this one.


Tara:  Yeah, let’s check the weather on the telly.

Hardison:  Check, check the weather on…what…woman, you did not.


Hardison:  [doing weather forecast] Thank you, Chet.  So, uh, whoo!  We are really snowed in here, up, in, uh….

Tara: Wrong side, Hardison.

Hardison:  Uh, Seattle, but it’s way worse in Boston.  I mean, the highways are jam-packed, the turnpike is shut down at the 495 interchange, no flights in or out of Logan for a couple hours.  Hey, you know what, if you are a stay-at-home mom, you break out the wine and the Xanax, ‘cause we’re having snow days here, people.  Back at ya…

Doyle: [turns off TV] Give me a sec.

Nate:  All clear.  Was that my jacket?

Hardison:  You know what, man?  You’re lucky I’m not wearing your underwear.  And the next time y’all call me it better be for something easy, like faking a moon landing.


Hardison:  Using the Liams’ cell phone, I’ve been able to map the GPS fingerprints of their recent calls and analyze their patterns of movements throughout the city.

Eliot:  Led us to a warehouse.  We’re in now.

Hardison:  What.  I’m sorry.  Led you?  Led you to the warehouse?  I had two cell phones and two minutes.  Do you know who else can do what I do? CIA, MI-6, and me.

Nate:  Ok, Eliot, I want every last penny of Doyle’s to end up on that table.

Parker:  We’ll clean it out.

Eliot:  Yeah, if we can find it.

Haridson:  Wha…I….what, seriously?  You want me to find the safe for you two now?  Look…I got you to the warehouse, go find someone to punch.


Nate:  Yeah, listen, I’m kinda beat.  I’m gonna head upstairs.

Hardison:  Wait, I’m sorry, wait, where?

Nate:  Upstairs, where, where I live.

Hardison:  Ok. Cool . That’s cool.  Except, how about this?  You stay down here a couple more hours?  Get an appetizer.  Cora, what’s good on the menu?

Cora:  Calamari is really good.

Hardison:  Calamari.

Nate:  Yeah, I don’t really want calamari.  I wanna go to bed.

Hardison:  Cool.  You can.  In a minute.  Y’all want to help me?

Eliot:  I ain’t.  This is your mess.

Hardison:  What do you mean it’s my mess?

Nate:  What are you talking about?  I don’t understand.  What mess?

Hardison:  It’s nothing.  It’s not a mess.  It’s nothing.

Tara:  I don’t clean.  I’m going home.

Hardison:  What you mean, you don’t clean?

Tara:  There’s no maid service.

Hardison:  If it was a bag of dirty money, you’d clean that.  I bet that.

Eliot:  I’m not doing it if she’s not.

Hardison:  You doing it, you doing it.




The Zanzibar Marketplace Job


 Hardison: Two weeks in Tokyo.  We’d have a great time.

Parker:  What are we stealing?

Hardison:  We don’t steal anything.  We’d be tourists.

Parker:  I’m not following you.


Parker:  So I took your advice and did the whole touristy thing.  I went to the museum and it was amazing.

Hardison:  See?

Parker:  Yeah.  They have a Guardian T-8-40 security system.  I’ve only seen those things in books.  And the motion detectors?  Whoo!  Gorgeous.  Six digital receptors. Six.

Hardison:  What about the paintings?

Parker:  What about the paintings?


Hardison:  Finally.  Finally somebody who can help us with this marriage visa.

Alexander:  Whoa.  Whoa.

Hardison:  This is Luba.  I want her to get back home to the States with me.  It’s true love.

Parker:  We meet on Internet.

Hardison:  We did.  We did.

Alexander:  You’ve go the wrong person.

Hardison:  No, no, no, no.  The girl at the front….she said… She said the you was the man with the…. Uh, you’re right.  You not… This ain’t… No, it’s not you.  I am terribly sorry.

Alexander: That’s fine.  Let’s just get this cleaned up.

Hardison:  You know how it is with the girls on the Internet.  Sometimes they ain’t girls.


Sterling:  Best be right about all this.  I had to pull a lot of strings to get tickets for all of you.

Hardison:  All of ya?  Wait, no.  Hardison, he’s in the van, eating stale candy while all you get to dine on canapés and champagne.  I love canapés.


Hardison:  Van smells like cabbage.




The Future Job


Hardison:  You know, this man has his computer hooked up the city’s free Wi-Fi?  My nana could hack this thing.


Nate:  You ready?

Hardison:  You do realize what you’re asking me to do is impossible, right?

Nate:  [handing over orange soda] Here you go.

Hardison:  And my gummy frogs.  I need my gummy frogs.

Nate:  You serious?

Hardison:  Yeah.


Hardison:  We need more boxes.

Parker:  And a lot of luck

Eliot:  Yeah, well, I think we used all our luck on finding this place.

Hardison:  Wait, hold, hold…You know what?  It ain’t luck, OK?  Finding the perfect place to end the treasure hunt is a testimony to my intellectual prowess.




The Three Strikes Job


 Hardison:  We’re from the crime lab.  We’re here to collect evidence from the crime scene.

Cop:  Hold it.  This isn’t a crime scene.  We’re just watching the place….

Eliot:  Pardon me.  I’m sorry.  He just said this wasn’t a crime scene?

Cop:  I…I’m just house sitting.

Hardison:  No.  No, he’s absolutely right.  This isn’t a crime scene.  ‘Cause he done walked all over it.

Eliot:  I smell soup.  You smell soup?

Hardison:  I do.  What happened, Goldilocks?  Get a little hungry decide to make yourself some lunch in an active crime scene?

Cop:  I would never do that.

Hardison:  Let’s see what you would do.  Move.  Move.  If I got to tell you one more time….


Hardison:  Hey, we’re gonna search every inch of this carpet.

Cop:  What am I looking for?

Hardison:  For fibers, damn it.  Fibers.  You!  You go search the bedroom, the bathroom for DNA.  Get me a toothbrush, a hairbrush.  I don’t care if it’s a nose trimmer.  You bag it, tag it and send it to the lab.

Cop:  Um, this carpet’s made of fibers.

Hardison:  Well, we’re looking for other fibers.  Suspicious fibers.  Fibers of crime.  Damn.  What’d they teach you at the Academy, boy?  On my nerves.


Cop:  I think I found something.  It’s a twig.

Hardison:  You know that’s not a twig.  That is a grasshopper leg.  Orthoptera gryllus.  It’s not indigenous to this region.  Son, you may have just blown this case wide open.  Good work.  Hey, top-flight security, isn’t he?  Now, you go get back to work.  You go be all you can be.


Hardison:  You got drafted in the sixth round right out of high school.  You had a cup of coffee in the Royals’ organization.  Then you bounced around the minors, you bounced around the world.  And, as we can see here, you made a very popular commercial for an energy drink in Japan.  [plays commercial]  That took me 13 hours.

Eliot:  There’s only one problem.  I don’t like baseball.

Hardison:  Everybody likes baseball.

Eliot:  I don’t like baseball, man.  All right?  I don’t like any sport you can’t score on defense.  Football, hockey, even basketball, but baseball?

Hardison:  I’m not even talking to you.

Eliot:  It’s boring.  Hey, can you play the commercial?


Hardison:  A’ight, yeah, man.  I don’t think they should be called the Beavers anymore.  They should be called the Weasels for leaving our town!  That’s all I’m tryin’….That’s all I’m tryin’ to say.  You fell me, man?  You feel me?


Hardison:  Not Lucille.  Not Lucille.  She all I got left.  [points to Parker] Don’t you do it to me.  Get that look out your eye.  You ain’t got to be so happy about it, Eliot.  You always had it in for my van.  You always had it in for Lucille.  You said she smells.  She don’t stink.  It’s just an odor.


Hardison: [to Lucille, his van] I’ve always been and forever shall be, your friend.  I’ll never forget you.


Eliot:  Get in!

Hardison:  No.

Nate:  Hardison!

Hardison:  You… You ignored us.  You screwed up.  You.  And you killed Lucille.

Nate:  Now listen.  Priorities, please.  You know, we’ll go somewhere safe, you can bitch me out all you want.  Get in.

Parker:  Let’s go!  Come on!

Hardison:  Kiss my ass.




The Maltese Falcon Job



Hardison:  In-room checkout.  Ok, look this means that I have access to the hotel’s billing computers.  It’s a big ol’ backdoor to every hotel room in America.  As of right now, we’ve been here a week, and our reservations are good for another week, courtesy of this man’s platinum card, Mr. Ogden Shields, who has spent a lot of time in the adult section of pay-per-view.  I mean, did he even leave the room?

Parker:  In-de-panties Day?

Nate:  Hardison, I need background on all the Mayor’s business partners, and all his little shell companies.

Hardison:  You want background checks?  On this?  A TV?

Nate:  Yeah.

Hardison:  Yeah, I’ll have Super Mario and Dig Dug get right on that.


Hardison: [Scottish accent] Oi. Hey.  Now, you said you’d call Kadjic, if we ask nicely?  That’s just what you’re goin’ to do.  But when you call, I need you to be scared for your life.  Can you be scared, boyo?


Contributor: Amy Smith