Season 3

Friday, May 28, 2010





The Jailhouse Job

Hardison: Were you sleep?


[Nate and Sophie are at the prison where Nate is incarcerated; Eliot, Hardison and Parker are in the Leverage Headquarters; the following conversation takes place over the telephone.]

Eliot: Alright. Look. Nate, you took the fall for us.

Hardison: After you lied to us. He’s a liar.

Eliot: You took the fall for us. You went to jail so we wouldn’t have to. We get that. So, we’re square. But now you gotta let us get you out of prison.

Parker: But if we’re gonna do that…

Hardison: …and not all of us are convinced that we should…

Parker: …then we have to hit you at your next hearing. That prison’s escape proof.

Nate: Guys, no. I committed a crime. I got caught. And now I am gonna serve my time.

Sophie: Nate. What kind of world would it be if everybody that committed a silly little crime went to prison, huh? Complete madness!


Nate [over comms]: Hardison!

Hardison [putting together a model helicopter]: No. Naw. Uh-uh, no. We extended our hand of forgiveness and you slapped it away. Now go away. I’m having some me [spins the propellers] time. Whee! Yay!


Hardison [over comms]: Nate? Did you find us a client in prison?


Hardison: Why am I looking away?


Hardison: Nate, the cameras just went down.

Nate: Okay. Where?

Hardison: The whole system. They faked a reboot. It’s down for five minutes.

Nate [also on comms]: Eliot! Get ready! They’re coming for Billy!


Bellows: There’s an escapee and we’re checking all the cars.

Hardison: My name is Lester [holds out an ID badge], Lester Barrington-Jones. I’ve had a meeting with your warden. This is my um [gestures at Parker], uh, my “secretary”.

Parker: Fiona. “Secretary”. Sure. [Smiles mischievously]


Hardison: Moreau is The. Big. Bad.



The Reunion Job

Hardison: You know how I feel about mind games, Nate. NEGATIVELY. [to Eliot] What are you looking at, Lurker?


Hardison: Uh-huh. Roach infestation in the Shish Leek. That’s gonna cost you.


Hardison: Dude, what is it about “Wrote the book on database security” that you don’t comprehend?


Hardison: Seems we stepped out of Japan and straight into high school.

Parker: In 1985.


Hardison: You know, it’s real cute man, how you still believe in privacy.


Hardison [to Eliot]: What makes you think I got bullied in high school?

Eliot: Well, A: You got a Green Hornet doll.

Hardison: Well, first of all, it’s a limited-edition action figure. Second, it is Green Lantern. Educate yourself. Now pay attention. Get it right.


Parker: Hey. Nate just gave us his passwords.

Hardison: No, but I got all his passwords. You want to see his Netflix queue? He’s got, like, every season of the “Rockford Files,” every season of “Sex and the City,” that show “Psych.”


Hardison: I can’t hack a guy’s head.


Hardison: Looks like The Bank of Iceland is paying off Nana’s medical bills. That’s dope!


Hardison: Oh, I can’t believe Jaclyn Thomas had the nerve to show up after what she did to Katherine.

Nate: Guys, forget about the gossip. Stick with the con.

Hardison: You know, I’m trying man. It’s just, I feel like I know these people now. Kills me to see a nice girl like Cindy Taylor settle for a guy like Aaron Ferguson.


Hardison to Parker: May I have this dance, Miss? [floaty dance scene… awwww]



The Inside Job

Hardison [looking around one of Parker’s residences]: Okay. This is a little freaky.

Eliot [also looking around]: Really? This is exactly what I expected.


Hardison: Steranko’s the toughest security system in the world. In the universe. In the multi…whatever.


Sophie: So [Wakefield’s] a grocery store.

Hardison: Yeah, if Godzilla’s a gecko.


Nate [over the comms]: Alright. So what’s your play?

Hardison: What’s my play? Nate, I’m hacking into a security system that the Pentagon calls “overkill” with a laptop I found in the back of my car.


Hardison [answering his ringing cell phone]: Speak.

Parker: Hardison, listen. I screwed up. I’m downtown in a building and I…

Hardison: We are already here, mama.


Hardison: That’s crazy and absolutely right.


Hardison [to Parker]: You are on the executive floor. Okay, so that means less electronic counter measures. I can spoof those, but that also means more human guards which are attached to retinal scanners and guns.


Hardison: Well, somebody better decide something because Steranko is whoopin’ my ass!



The Scheherazade Job

Hardison: I am the super-skrull. I have all y’all’s skills. I hack, I grift, I thieve.

Eliot: Do you fight?

Hardison: I have a dog for that. Name’s Megabite.


Eliot: Make him look drunker. And then richer.

Hardison: What you want me to do? Give the man a pet tiger?

Eliot: Can you do that?


Hardison: You know I played violin until I was 14? I was pretty good, too. I never thought it’d help me in a con.

Nate: Why’d you give it up?

Hardison: I discovered computers, man. Turns out you can’t see naked pictures of girls on a violin.


Hardison: Nate, you know, I was serious about what I said. About running my own crew someday. So what’s this thing that you think I’m missing? So what is it, like, thriftiness, or friendliness, or big-picture thinking, or aloof–what? [Nate walks away] — rudeness?


Hardison: With all the technology in the world today, you couldn’t make a violin that sounds as good as that one. No one understands why.


Hardison: The violin– play the violin, like it’s a kazoo!


Nate: You know, you told me you could do anything. You told me you were “super-skull!”

Hardison: Skrull, skrull, get it right. Super—sup–Super-skrull, who has the combined powers of the Fantastic Four, one of whom is not Itzhak Perlman.


Hardison: I’m sorry but there’s been an accident involving my mother and a moped.

Conductor: Please, Temi, I have read about you. I know you can play this in your sleep, so, we will see you at the concert, yes? I hope your mother is alright.

Hardison: Oh no, she’s fine. She’s a big woman. But the moped–I-I don’t know.


Parker: How’s it going?

Hardison: How do you think it’s going? In 24 hours, right where I’m standing, I’m gonna make a fool of myself.

Parker: Yeah it’s actually a lot worse than that.

Hardison: What do you mean?

Parker: Well, the whole heist depends on you being able to play. If you can’t, the mark’s going to know something’s up, and then he’s gonna kill us all.

Hardison: Is this a pep talk?

Parker: Then he’ll take over the country, rob his people blind! I mean, imagine the suffering!

Hardison: Come on, man, with the pressure.

Parker: I’m just trying to get a little adrenaline flowing here. That’s all you need, okay? It works for me.

Hardison: If I get adrenaline flowing, my giant hands are going to snap this priceless violin in half.

Parker: Oh. You’ll be fine.


Hardison: Uh guys, Moto and his brother just left. And I don’t know about y’all, but it wasn’t me ‘cause, uh, I just rocked it, you know.


Parker: You had a recording of the solo in a gizmo that made it come out of the violin.

Hardison: No, no Parker. You don’t just jam a gizmo into a Strad, okay? I just – I let it rip. It was…

Parker: Well, I still can’t believe you can play like that.

Hardison: You? I can’t believe it.

Nate: It’s because I hypnotized you.

Hardison: You serious?



The Double Blind Job

Ashley [with adoration]: It’s amazing. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Hardison: Well, I could show you some stuff, as soon as I get you a refill. [Walks to bar]

Parker [sitting at bar, eyeing Ashley]: Hey, what do we know about her? Did you do a background check?

Hardison: She’s a nice girl who needs our help.

Parker: Yeah, but she could be a spy or a terrorist. She looks kinda like a terrorist.

Hardison: Yeah, I’ma keep my eye on her. [Makes a ‘WTH’ face]


Nate: Where’s Eliot?

Hardison: Oh he had to change his shirt. He got coffee on it. And some blood. And some teeth.


Hardison [to Nate after the Pharmaceutical “consulting” system is explained]: We’re in the wrong business, man.


Hardison: Locked file on a locked workstation. I smell secrets! Ah, a 256-Bit A.E.S. encryption? Oh, adorable.


Nate: We need those vials.

Hardison: But we also need Parker.


Hardison: Little Jennifer Pearson’s wearing you out, ain’t she?

Eliot: Dude, we walked the Freedom Trail twice.

Hardison [chuckles]: Nice.

Eliot: No, man. The actual Freedom Trail.


Hardison: Now if I do my math that means that this case is…

Eliot [shouts without lifting his head from the table]: It’s gonna be hard to find!

Hardison [with deliberation]: I believe I was making that point.

Eliot: [grumbles]


Hardison: Prison’s changed him. (Nate)

Eliot: Better or worse?

Hardison: I. Don’t. Know.


Ashley [sweetly wishes Parker]: Good luck!

Parker: Luck? Do I look like I need luck? [Tries to step towards Ashley]

Hardison [blocking Parker’s path]: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Parker, she just meant, like, you know [holds two thumbs up and smiles disconcertedly]


Ashley: I should get going.

Hardison: Already?

Ashley: Yeah. But if I ever cross paths with another evil C.E.O, I’ll know who to call.

Hardison: I’m looking forward to it.


Hardison: Pretzels? Umkay. Well, they’re right here, when you want them.



The Studio Job

DJ: Uh, you’re not supposed to be in here.

Hardison: Tell me about it Buddy. Why are you here?

DJ: I work here.

Hardison: Flippin’ fantastical. They called me on my night off and gone and double-book it.

DJ: Better call the main office. Find out what’s going on here.

Hardison: Please do, Skipper. ‘Cause if I have to work tonight then I have to find somebody to take this Brooks & Dunn ticket off my hands.

DJ: You know what? I’m starting to remember something about having the night off.

Hardison: Don’t you think you should go on and double-check that Butterbritches?

DJ: Naw. I definitely remember now.

Hardison: Really? All right, now. Think you can find somebody to take this ticket off my hands?

DJ: I think I could find somebody.

Hardison: Hot diggity daggum.

[searches for ticket]

[Parker slides ticket under door]

Hardison: Spick – n – span damn. Look, there it goes. Right there.


Hardison: Relax man. I told you. I got you. Say something.

Eliot: I don’t speak on command, Hardison.

Hardison: Perfect. Now I rigged my laptop to record your comm. Now, this means I can alter your pitch from anywhere to make you sound like Darth Eliot [Darth Eliot recording]….to Spencer Smurf [Smurf recording]

Eliot: Hardison?

Hardison: Don’t ever do the smurf thing again?

Eliot: Right.


Hardison: You ever wonder how Britney Spears sounds so good on her tracks? Well, this is it except mine is in real time, baby.

Nate: Uh, who, exactly, did you just refer to as “baby?”

Hardison: It’s like, the universal term of “baby.” How old are you?


Hardison: Did you just look her in the eyes?

JC: Oh, I-I-I don’t think I was.

Hardison: Whoa! Chill with the attitude! Don’t—don’t raise your voice! Did they not tell you nothing? You know who you in front of? Think about it. Iceland. Pop star. Figure it out. Click it together. Bells and whistles. Give me something!

JC: Bjor…

Parker: *screams & squeaks*

Hardison: Oh. I’m sor–I’m so sorry. Are you okay? Are you okay? Is the duck —? Good. Woman — for real, get up in here [points to his eyes] Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Real quick.

JC: Okay.

Hardison: I hope, for your sake, that you was not about to say what I think you was about to say. [Parker chirping in background]

JC: Well, I don’t think I was.

Hardison: What I’m gonna need you to do is roll up outta here, cuz, ’cause you is messin’ up the aura.


Hardison: I crossed an ocean, a pond, and a creek to get here.


Eliot: I’m almost there but I think somebody’s following me.

Hardison: Well, do some Eliot-fu on them. What happened to “this is what I do?”


Hardison: Well, contrary to what y’all may believe, I do not control everything that happens on the internet.

Eliot: There’s a price on my head in 3 different countries and I’m fairly certain a fatwa was issued!

Hardison: You are so vain, man. Boom, there, fan site — no. But you know what? When you get back we are going to have a serious conversation between the difference between caution and paranoia.

Eliot: When you’ve done the things I’ve done, there’s no such thing as paranoia.


[Eliot sings song]

Hardison: Hold up, man. It’s a little pitchy. It’s–just a skosh. A little pitchy.

[Eliot sings again]

Hardison [interrupting him]: It’s pitchy. In that very same spot, right. It’s — yeah, it’s a little pitchy.

[Eliot sings again]

Hardison [interrupting]: Hold up, man.

Eliot: Hang on, man. Let me get into the song.

Hardison: Did you practice your warbles? Just put a— smooth it out. [Hardison sings song off key]

[Eliot sings]

Hardison [interrupting again]: No.

Eliot: Listen to me, man. Say “pitchy” one more time. Say “pitchy” one more time and see what happens. I don’t even think that word means what you think it means.

Hardison: It means pitchy.

Eliot: Define it.

Hardison: You define it. I’m sorry. I lost you…I- I can’t hear…

[Eliot yelling on mute]


Hardison: Eliot, I used your fans to stall Kirkwood. I bought you, like, 2 minutes.


Hardison: And you make fun of earbuds.



The Gone Fishin’ Job

Eliot [counting softly]: Seventeen. Shut up!

Hardison: At least I’m trying to get us out of here. What are you doing?

Eliot: I’m drawing a map, Hardison. [resumes counting]


Eliot: Do you smell that?

Hardison: Smell death? Yes, I do.


Eliot: Dammit, Hardison!

Hardison: Dammit, Eliot!


Hardison: I say we whup some hillbilly ass.

Eliot: We’re gonna get bloody on this one.


Hardison: Oh, I have fear. And doubt. And really serious regrets. I should be fine.


Nate: Hey. Listen, the next time I steal you a train, get on it.

Hardison: Look, man. You’re not gonna rain on my parade today, man. I made a bomb out of a menthol light.


Hardison: Yeah, buddy!



The Boost Job

Todd: He beat your record by 15 seconds

Duke: That’s impossible!

Hardison: It is? Oops.


Hardison: This chick is toast.


Hardison: You didn’t get that, man? “This chick is toast”? It’s — it’s Ghostbusters.

Eliot: Man, I don’t listen to you.

Hardison: Come on, man. “Don’t — don’t cross the streams”? It’s classic.

Eliot: Push the car, man.


Hardison: So, car thief — how’d that happen?

Parker: Started when I was about 12. I met this kid, Kelly, in the foster system. He was about 4, 5 years older. He taught me how to make a slim jim. How to use a jiggler key, you know.

Hardison: What happened to Kelly?

Parker: We boosted a bait car. He saw the cops coming and ran. I never saw it coming.

Hardison: He left you behind?

Parker: Never looked back. Spent 6 months in juvie and never saw Kelly again.


Hardison: So how’s this going down?

Parker: Okay, they’re gonna want us off their turf. We’re going to have to convince them they need us. It’s not going to be easy, and they might shoot you a little.

Hardison: What?


Hardison: All right. Do your thing.

Parker: Oh, I have no idea how to break into this car.

Hardison: Wha — what?

Parker: It’s new tech. Screwdriver and a coat hanger aint’t gonna cut it. I mean, once we get in I could probably start it, but we gotta get in.

Hardison: And what — we get, h-how we gonna get in, Parker?

[Parker raises her eyebrows at Hardison]

Hardison: Mnh-mnh. No. Mnh-mnh. Me? Mnh-mnh. No.

Parker: You can hack anything with a battery, right? You now have one minute and thirty seconds.


Hardison: We’re gonna need a bigger boat.


Nate: Parker, Hardison, I need your help.

Hardison: You need some help? They’re shooting damn it!


Josie: Get in!

Hardison: Shotgun.


Parker: You know, I was trying to help you. You weren’t supposed to tell them.

Josie: I didn’t know that, and I didn’t think they’d try to kill you.

Hardison: Wait, wait, wait, hold up. You told her?

Eliot: I shoulda known. You’re a menace Parker.

Parker: What?! She deserved a chance.

Hardison: Ooh. Nate’s gonna kill you.

Eliot: I’m gonna kill you!

Parker: Oh, stop whining.


Parker [in mocking tone]: “I got hit by a car!” Get over it!

Eliot: I’m gonna kill her, man. I’m gonna kill her.

Hardison: Hey, hey, hey! Nobody’s gonna kill anybody. Seriously though, Nate’s gonna kill you.

Josie: Wait, wait, wait. Who are you people?



Eliot: Damn it. Parker, where’d you learn to drive?

Parker: Before I stole cars, I was a getaway driver.

Hardison: Before? You started stealing cars when you were 12.


Hardison: Hey, man, how come you didn’t comm us when those wannabe thugs attacked?

Eliot: ‘Cause your little zapper thing fried my earbud.

Hardison: Told you to take it out before you used it.

Eliot: I was also under water.

Hardison: Oh. You know, I should work on that.

Eliot: Yeah.

Hardison: Man.


Hardison: So, hey, you saw me take down that guy, right?

Parker: What, the little guy? Yeah.

Hardison: He wasn’t little. He’s pretty — pretty– he had big shoulders.

Sophie: I believe you.



The Three Card Monty Job

Hardison [over comms]: If it has an operating system, you know I can hack it.


Hardison [over comms]: Now, I’ve ID’ed the perp, I know what they want, and I know why; what did you do with your afternoon?

Eliot: I tell you what I’m gonna do when I get back there.


Hardison [to Nate over comms]: What’cha mean “you don’t know”? You better say something. [Makes his way to the loft’s steps, orange soda in hand] I swear on my mama I will blow a hole through your bedroom and Spider-Man out the side of this building.


Hardison [to Eliot]: Is it me, or does this make less sense every time we find something out?


Parker: So, uh, is Nate going to be nice now?

Hardison: Don’t count on it.



The Underground Job


Sofie: The Scagway Shuffle

Nate: Yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

Hardison: See, now y’all are just making stuff up.


Hardison [to Eliot]: Now, there’s no cell reception underground.  Okay, the miners they use a leaky feeder system to communicate in the mine, but that’s not compatible with our comms.

[Eliot raises eyebrows at him and sighs]

Hardison: I know. Quite the problem.  You’re wondering if I have an answer? [Gasps] I do.  Bam!  I created these UHF wireless nodes to couple with the leaky feeder, boost the signal, and then we —

[Eliot grabs node and shoves it in backpack]

Hardison: Hey! Hey, man! Hey!

Eliot: Look, man, I know! I put them in the mine!

Hardison: Yeah, but they’re very—

Eliot: What? I got it! They’re fragile! [Eliot picks up backpack and slaps it]

Hardison: I thought we was making progress.


Miner: Hey, what is that?

Hardison: Dust reading.

Miner: That doesn’t look like no dust-reading kit.

Hardison: Well, you don’t look like no certified M.S.C. safety inspector.


Miner: This looks different than usual.

Eliot: It does, huh?

Hardison: Look here, bro.  Limestone dust laced with coltan is gonna look different than plain old limestone dust.  I appreciate your faith in me but I do not have the power to change the chemical composition of minerals.


Parker (to Attorney General]: Ooh, your latest numbers are up.

Attorney General:  Ooh.  Significantly up.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen it jump this high.

Parker:  Really?

Hardison:  Hey, Nate said to make them higher.  How am I supposed to know what’s “significantly higher” and what’s “insignificantly higher”?


Nate:  Okay, I’m gonna call Blackwell and draw him here.  I mean, he’s not gonna blow up the mine while he’s in it, is he?

Eliot:  That’ll give us enough time to find the bomb.

Hardison:  Oh yeah, plenty of time.  Meanwhile, I’ll be here, in the van,  as far away from the mine as possible.  (to Eliot) My dude.  Go with God.

Eliot:  What are you doing, man?

Hardison:  For morale, man!


Parker:  Thursday afternoon she had a closed-door meeting with Blackwell.  But…it sounded like they were working out.

Sofie:  Working out?

Parker:  Mm-hmm

Sofie:  Hardison, do you still have the audio file saved?

Hardison:  Yeah.  But there’s like 100 hours of it.  I–I haven’t listened to it all yet.

Sofie:  No.  Just pull up the files from Thursday afternoon.

Parker:  Between 3:26 and 4:15

Hardison:  Okay.  One second.

[AG and Blackwell moaning on recording]

Hardison:  No! No! Ew! Old people! Ew!

Sofie:  Parker, they’re not working out.  They’re…you know.

[Questioning look  from Parker]

Hardison:  Sex, Parker!  They’re knocking boots.

Parker:  Oh. Yeah. Can you use that?

Sofie:  With that, I can make her do anything I want.

Hardison:  Hey, look y’all, this has been real cool, but I have to get back to, you know, helping Eliot find the bomb.


Hardison:  All right, man.  Look, I’ve hacked into their monitoring system to detect peaks in any heat or methane levels to show us where Clark planted the bomb.

Eliot:  Where’s it at?

Hardison:  No idea.  This thing runs like an Atari.  It’s great if you want to play Frogger, but to find a bomb?

Eliot:  While you’re playing video games I’m gonna still be looking for the bomb.  If you decide to be helpful, let me know.


Hardison:  Wait, wait, wait, wait, I-I think I got something, man.  There are anomalies in the levels in the northeast quadrant.

Eliot:  Speak English!

Hardison:  Turn right, find bomb.

Eliot:  He’s here.

Hardison:  Who?

Eliot:  Cory

Hardison:  Cor–look man, unless that’s a cute little name you got for the bomb, I’m compelled to remind you of your mission.  Find the bomb. Dismantle. Save lives.

Eliot:  Yeah, I’m on it, alright.  Just stop talking!


Hardison:  All right, Eliot, I think I got a lock on the bomb.

Eliot:  I got it.

Hardison:  What’s it look like, man.  Red wires?  Blue wires?  What?

[Eliot pushes button and shuts bomb off]

Eliot:  BOOM!!

Hardison:  Ha, ha. You’re not funny.

[Eliot laughs]


Hardison:  Micro detonator, surround sound, dust spray, modified oxygen meter, and…what?  What?  Yes, I do spend my weekend making these things.  Man, w-we’re coming to a mine.  It’s not rocket science.

Nate:  I like it.  Gives him a whole Village People, uh, construction-dude thing.

Hardison:  Thank you.


Hardison [leafing through Parker’s notepad]: Uh, let’s see.  Let’s see. Let’s see…Right hand answers phone…left…blinks 15 times…uh, smells like bubbles.  Hey, hey Parker, you’re not gonna start keeping notepads like this about us, are you?

Parker:  Did you know you touch your chin every 2.5 minutes?

[Hardison takes his hand away from his chin and tosses notepad on desk]



The Rashomon Job


Nate: What is this? I thought we were supposed to be, uh, finding Moreau.

Sophie: This is more important.

Nate: “More important”? We don’t find Moreau, I might go back to prison forever.

Sophie: Oh shush. You did fine in prison the first time.

Eliot: Got in shape.

Parker: Yeah, you look good in a jumpsuit.

Hardison: Learned how to hypnotize people.


Nate: Okay, now what? Now what, what’s this?

Hardison: Oh this? I’m telling my computer at my Nana’s hou…my, my, MY house. My house.

Nate: Your house.

Hardison: My house.

Nate: Mm mmm.

Hardison: To, uh, execute a brute force attack against the Tanuki’s firewall. See, that’ll soften it up so when I get physical access, not so tough. But until then [starts checking out the ladies], I does what I do.[To a woman who is walking up the steps to the main party room] Hey, come here girl! Uh, uh, you wanna come to my sp… well, I live with my Nana, but we can go to your spot though.


Sophie [as the Duchess of Barrington-Highsworth, but with a terrible Scottish accent]: Ach! There’s shrimp in this! You’re allergic to shrimp!

Hardison [as Min. Robert Bioko]: I’m allergic to shrimp?


Hardison: Absitively posolutely, sir.


Hardison [to Sophie]: I beat you. [to Eliot] And I beat you, too. And nothing else matters.

Nate: Why does nothing else matter?

Hardison: It doesn’t. It just doesn’t.

Nate: “Nothing else matters.” What else doesn’t matter?

Hardison: Just real inquisitive, aren’t you? Just asking questions. Bunch of questions.


Hardison: So we just did all that work for nothing.

Nate: Not for nothing. No. You know, you guys, sometimes it’s easy to forget why it is you stopped working alone and became a team.



The King George Job

Nate: Hardison intercepted an email.

Hardison: And decrypted it.  These guys–use a variant of Larry Duberman’s algorithm.  It’s not as easy as baking a cake.

Nate: Moving on, yes.


Nate:  Hardison, are you in their computers yet?

Hardison:  Accessing.  Okay, apparently their computer system is also an antique.  Possibly steam powered, which would be cool.

Sophie:  Hardison, this is an extremely old house. They believe in tradition.  Their computer records are gonna be bare bones.  The real contracts are going to be paper files.

Hardison:  So, that’s not just for decoration?


Sophie: Hardison, did you find those files yet?

Hardison: Now look, when we get a moment, y’all gonna have to explain this English filing system.  Now, as far as Keller goes, there’s a big file and a small file.  Big file’s all sales – antiquities, mostly from Iraq and Afghanistan.  All with fake Provenance.

Sophie: What’s in the small file?

Hardison: Small one is land purchases – old manor houses up for auction. All within the last two years.  All in Scotland.  Ha!  Places like, uh…Loch Glengorra and Loch McGr-r-r…I’m not even gonna try to pronounce it, man.  It’s just a bunch of random “g’s” and “n’s”.


Hardison:  What secret stash of treasures?  I’m sorry, does that say “goat marrow“?


Eliot:  I got your turpentine.  I got your walnut oil, by the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that.  Bucket of soot.  It’s everywhere.

Hardison [laughing]: Nice, E.  Way to get your hands dirty.

Eliot:  Yeah, thank you. [wiping hands on cloth]

Hardison:  Hey, put that down, man.  That’s my paper

Eliot:  It’s a rag.

Hardison:  No, that’s what printers used to make paper back in the 1700’s. Use a moist towlette. Please, and thank you.

Eliot:  What’s that smell?

Hardison:  Uh, y-you don’t wanna know how they wet the paper back in the day.

Eliot:  Did you —

Hardison:  Do not ask me, man.

Eliot:  Damn it, Hardison!

Hardison:  Why you so sensitive?  You touch worse.

Eliot [yelling]: I’m going out for Baba Ghanoush!


Parker:  Um, I don’t know how soon we’re doing this auction scam, but are you planning on printing out the entire diary page by page?

Eliot:  You better hope she’s got a short and boring life, my man.

Hardison:  Do you know what I’ve achieved here?  Do you?  I made ink from Boysenberries, okay?  I-I-I-I’ve tanned hide for the covers.

Eliot [to Parker]: Forgot to tell you–don’t go in the Jacuzzi.  It’s not safe.

Hardison:  I made glue for the binding from animal parts I do not care to discuss. I-I-I’ve made content for the filler pages using an algorithm from digitized Colonial-era novels and diaries.  It-it-it-it’s Shakespeare in the house, people, Shakespeare.

Parker:  Yeah, it sounds like a lot of work.

Hardison:  It is.  In a single day I’ve gone from apprentice to journeyman to master.

Parker:  Okay.

Eliot:  He’s losing it.

Parker:  Well, yeah, so I’m gonna go steal some stuff.

Hardison:  Okay, but come back.  ‘Cause I-I’ve fused computer technology with-with- this stuff.

Eliot:  All right, man.  Let us know how that goes.

Hardison:  With -with – mm hmm.  I’ve hacked history!  I’ve hacked history, people.


Nate:  Okay Hardison,  I need that book now…

Hardison:   Hey, man, Sophie said “flawless“, now you’re saying “fast“.  You two need to have a conversation and figure it out.

Nate:  Uhhh…fast.  Go with fast.

Hardison:  Okay, but the glue on this binding takes two weeks to dry naturally.  Now, a hair dryer is too hot and too powerful.  It’ll curl the pages and melt the spine. I managed to find a manicure dryer, so you’re just gonna have to wait.  As stunning as my work is, stunning I say, it’s still a rush job.  It’ll pass the first inspection but it won’t hold together for very long.


Nate:  Okay. You’re here, finally.

Hardison [out of breath]: Whew! Finally?  Finally?  You’re looking at the Leonardo daVinci of forgery, my friend.


Keller:  That’s genuine.

Hardison:  Whoo!  What?  What?


Hardison:  Oh, yeah.  In my trace I peeled back ten layers of security off an airborne wi-fi connection —  airborne.

Eliot:  You might be the greatest of all time, man.  Did you find anything?



The Morning After Job

Prosecutor LaPointe: Hey, you two. Wait.

Eliot [under his breath to Hardison]: See?

LaPointe: I’ve got a witness who just got off the stand who needs to go back to county lock up.

Hardison [Eliot starts shaking his head “no”]: Like a…a grand jury witness that’s a prisoner that you want us to take back to jail?

LaPointe [resolute]: It’s right by your precinct. I’ll send him out.

Hardison: I’ve got stuff to do today. My…it’s my mama birthday.

Eliot: Good job. Dammit, Hardison!

Hardison: Dammit, shut up, man. We’re the police.

Eliot: What are we gonna do with another guy with us?

Hardison [for morale]: Shut up! Shut up! We’re the police!


Eliot [over police car radio]: Dispatch, this is 8017 responding.

Hardison: No it ain’t.


Hardison [to Curtis]: What, you’re car sick, you got jail sick, too?


Sophie [to Hardison and Eliot]: Where were you guys? Playing pool?

Hardison: No place you would ever want to go.


Hardison [over comms]: Okay, Parker. It’s time for you to ditch McSweetheart and get to Nate and Sophie. And hurry.



The Ho Ho Ho Job

Hardison: Parker. [Reaches for remote] Give. Thank you.  Look, the weather forecasts are the same on every single channel.  Sorry.

Parker:  But it’s not Christmas without snow. I want flurries. Make it happen.


Hardison:  Okay, uh, Pop…A little more smile.  No, kill it.  Too much smile.  Alright, Mom, you’re great.  One second.  I need Jr over here.  And you, scoot! Good times. Kris Kringle, open up the eyes, man.  Come on, it’s Christmas.  You’re scaring the kids.  On 3.  28…19…3!


Hardison [singing]: See the blazing Yule before us. Fa la la la la la la la la.  Blast the car with EMP. Fa la la la boom.


Hardison:  For a bunch of Santas, they have some damn good tech.


Hardison:  Oh, Lucille Two!!

Chaos:  Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hardison:  Come on, man!

Nate:  What, he set the EMP on “toast“?

Hardison:  He killed her Nate. I hate him.  I hate him.

Nate:  She was a good van.  We’ll get you another.


Nate:  Hardison, are you saying you can’t do it?

Hardison:  When have I said that? Ever?


Hardison:  Hey, be careful with him, all right?  He looks harmless, pathetic even. – weak chin, pale complexion, but, ah, I assure you, he’s dangerous.

Chaos:  You have to admit, it was a good plan.

Hardison:  Yeah.  There’s just one thing you didn’t count.

Chaos:  Oh no.

Hardison:  You forgot about the true meaning….

Chaos:  Don’t you say it!

Hardison: …of Christmas.

Chaos:  Gah! That barely applies here!

Hardison:  Ho ho ho.



The Big Bang Job

Hardison: Not everything blows up, Parker.


Hardison: You call this a plan?

Eliot: I’m not handcuffed to anything.


Parker: What are you doing?

Hardison: Yasmin’s battery is one of a kind. Now if I do this right, I’ll overload the batteries, they’ll explode and then this thing is worthless.

Parker: And if you do it wrong?

Hardison: Uh, the bomb triggers a giant EMP pulse, Washington D.C. is fried, and thousands die, and we go down as the biggest terrorists in American history, but we’ll be dead too, so it’s not really our problem.

Parker: Well, there’s that.

Hardison: There is that.



The San Lorenzo Job

Hardison:  Last time anybody got this much press in the news they had a nasty video out.

Parker:  What kind of video?

Hardison:  I…I…I don’t know.  I did not watch it.  That would be wrong.


Eliot [to Hardison]: Put this up on the big screen.  [to all] Remember I told you I had a friend in San Lorenzo?  [to Hardison]  Make sure it’s encrypted too.  Because he’s taking a big chance by talking to us.

Hardison:  Oh, so like, do my job.

Eliot:  Do your job.

Hardison:  That I’ve been doing for years.

Eliot:  Do your job.


Hardison:  Hey, man.  The feedback is great.  I mean, online’s going crazy for her.  There’s a hash tag on her.  There’s a bunch of phone videos going viral.

Nate:  What about her back story?

Hardison:  I have to wait til she’s done making it up.  But I can graft one of her old I.D.s onto it.  Listen man, she’s not Princess Di.  It’s a small country.  We got this.  Oh hell, it’s Moreau.


Hardison:  Age of the Geek, baby.


Nate [to Moreau] You know what I have?  I have a 24 year old genius with a smart phone and a problem with authority.  You really never stood a chance.

Hardison [to Nate in flashback]: Look what every person in San Lorenzo got in their in-box this morning.

Nate:  Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, you sent this ad to everyone in the country?

Hardison:  Yeah.  Took me an hour.


Eliot:  What’s all that?

Hardison:  Knickknacks.  We just stole a country.  I want a souvenir.


Contributors: TJBW for odd numbered episodes and Amy Smith for even numbered episodes