The Long Way Down Job
Eliot [pushing off a hugging Hardison]: Let go!
Hardison: I’m just so damn cold.
Eliot: I don’t care, man.
Hardison: Just please, set me on fire. Do something. I’m all shivering and I think one of my nipples fell off ’cause of the sensation…
Hardison: It’s like a danger cupcake with murder icing.
Nate: But they, they, they figure that Alan Scott died on the way back down just hours above base camp, here [indicates on a map].
Hardison: I’m sorry, “died on the way down”? That’s why black people don’t climb nu-thin’! You know there’s like a hundred dead people scattered all over that rock? That’s nasty.
Hardison [seeing Parker off as she and Eliot leave to retrieve Scott’s notebook]: Okay. Fine. I just think I should keep an eye on you.
Parker: Keep an eye on me?
Hardison: Well not you…you and Eliot. It’s a dangerous mountain. There could be some polar bears or ill tempered Eskimos.
Hardison: At least Eliot gave me a hug.
Karen: I’m an experienced climber. I know my husband. I know the routes he would’ve taken.
Nate: No. You’re emotionally involved. It leads to bad decisions.
Hardison: I’m sorry. Did you just say that? With a straight face?
Hardison [over comms]: Nate? Eliot? Parker? Nate? Eliot? Parker?
Sophie [over comms]: Stop it! You’re driving me mad!
Hardison: Hey. Hey! I am restraining from freaking out quite admirably.
Hardison [to Nate who’s just been punched in the face]: This is not going well for you.
Parker: You realize that this [indicates Hardison and herself] isn’t going to be normal?
Hardison: You know, my Nana used to say that what’s normal is whatever works for you. We all work okay.
The 10 Li’l Grifters Job
Hardison [singing]: I feel like stealing, I feel like conning, feel like taking some stuff today.
Hardison: What the hell is human chess?
Hardison: ‘scuse you. No way in the world I would have picked Encyclopedia Brown as my char…these ugly ass penny loafers…you see…
Sophie: You’re the Hardy Boys and Parker’s Nancy Drew.
Hardison [over comms]: Um, oh! You know what? Ah, maybe with what I got here, I can make, uh, a pulse map.
Nate: I’m sorry? A what?
Hardison: A pulse map. I take my gear, attach it to the wiring, see what draws the most power by sending out some pulses. Maybe we can find the main control room.
Nate: Yeah, or anything big like a state of the art safe filled with blue prints.
Hardison: Either way puts us back in “bidness”.
Nate: Well, see? Problem solution.
Hardison: This place is freakin’ ginormous. It’s gonna take me a while.
Nate: Then I suggest you get on it.
Hardison [mumbling]: He’s always got to be telling somebody what to do. [mockingly] “Get to it.” He doesn’t even know what a pulse map is.
Hardison: Damn blackout. Prehistoric wire monsters. Nate’s killin’ folks. I did not sign up for this.
Parker: Nate didn’t kill anyone. [firmly] He said.
Hardison: Still, well. I hate this house.
Hardison: Baby girl, if there’s anyone who doesn’t need to worry about claustrophobia it’s yo…uhh, hello? Woman! People, I lost Parker.
Hardison [hits a dead end hallway running from a security guard]: I hate this house!
Hardison: Look, obviously I’m really happy you’re okay, right? But you couldn’t at least pop out and let a brother know, I mean what’s up, what were you doing?
The 15-Minutes Job
Eliot: Stop. Stop with the Star Trek stuff again.
Hardison: Wars! Damnit, it’s Star Wars. And that CGI Yoda they use in the prequels is an insult to the public…you know…you know, not even worth discussing.
Eliot: You’re the only one discussing.
Parker: I kinda like CGI Yoda.
Hardison: [makes squeaky shocked noise]
Hardison: Parker! I’m not gonna be able to unhear that “CGI Yoda” thing. Cut me deep, woman. Cut me deep.
Hardison [“robbing” a coffee shop, speaking to his “hostages”]: Be cool you can go home with a story to tell your grand kids.
Hardison: The slow clap?
Eliot: Yeah, man.
Hardison: That’s stupid.
Hardison [to Lilly]: “Phardison” is my name. That’s Phardison; it’s Swahili.
Parker: I didn’t even stab him.
Hardison: Yeah, we are so proud of you. Uhh, no stabbing Wednesday. New tradition.
Parker: Bet you’re starting to like that CGI Yoda a little bit now?
Hardison: Yeah, when he gives back the childhood he stole from me. Why don’t you just ask me to join the dark side? Go ahead.
The Van Gogh Job
Hardison [as Charles Lawson]: Dorothy, I said any place in the world.
Parker [as Dorothy Ross]: New York City is in the world. I’ve never been there. Have you?
Hardison: New York City is a place where you get on a boat.
Parker [as Ross]: How do you know so much about the world?
Hardison [as Lawson]: Oh, they still let me in the library.
Hardison [as Lawson]: I don’t imagine. I plan.
~~[Hardison approaches Nate and Sophie, and sneezes]
Nate: Whadya got?
Hardison: Uh, probably just my sensitivity to dust mites. It’s what happens when you send me to the Hall of Records a second time.
Nate: No,no. Dorothy. Ross. “Whadya have” on Dorothy Ross?
Hardison [as Lawson]: Don’t you tell me to think, Lieutenant. My thinking saved your life. But I won’t get the credit because I’m a Negro. Isn’t that right?
Eliot [as the Lt.]: That’s right.
Bank Branch Manager [in response to Sophie and Hardison’s demand to investigate his facility]: This is outrageous! Why wasn’t I informed?
Sophie: Go ahead and call D.C., check up on us.
Hardison: But I’d advise you to keep your voice low unless you want a run on your broke ass bank.
Hardison [as Lawson]: I can take care of myself.
Parker [as Ross]: I know you can, but I can’t.
The Hot Potato Job
Hardison: Her potato is better than a Flintstone vitamin.
Hardison: Hey! I could use a little help, neighbor. I had myself a snafu. Or you could just stand there like bourgie city folk. Cold hearted. Unhelpful.
Nate: Isn’t anyone mad at Sophie? Hardison, she punched you in the face.
Hardison: It takes a real man to take one for the team.
Eliot [over comms]: Heh, hey. Whatever you need to keep telling yourself.
Hardison: See what we’re doing is maxing out his focus. His brain is so overloaded with Angry Boss he won’t remember our faces.
Nate: Hardison, don’t teach him that.
Parker [over comms]: So the diamond is in the potato?
Hardison: Park– there is no diamond. Verd Agra. Super Tuber. Haven’t you been listening?
Parker: Not really.
Hardison [leaving voice mail message]: Nate, I don’t know where you are or what you’re doing [breaks fourth wall], but we need to talk now.
The Carnival Job
Nate: What does this chip do, exactly?
Geoffrey Thorne: It’s not “what?”, it’s “how?”. The simple version is that it’s an environmentally adaptive design that maximizes TTF, Time To Failure, on integrated circuits.
Nate: Um, that’s the simple version?
Hardison: I’m sorry. Basically it, uh, it changes everything.
Parker: Are you kidding me? What, did you think I wouldn’t notice? [slams the Parker 2000 on the table]
Hardison: Oh, hey! Hey, girl. This thing is hypersensitive.
Parker: I’m hypersensitive when people are building robots to replace me.
Hardison: It’s not a robot.
Parker [over comms; in response to the Parker 2000 entering the safe room]: I’m not working with her.
Hardison: Parker, it’s not gender-specific. Plus, it can open the safe 6.5 times faster than you.
Parker: Ha! There’s no way I’m working with her!
Hardison: Woman! Please. Just connect it to the safe’s wall.
Parker: This is a Glen Reader Model 88-11, last made in 2009. Did she know that?
Hardison: Yes, Parker, because I programmed it.
Eliot [over comms]: Damn it, Hardison. A little warning next time.
Hardison: Well, whadya think “run like hell” meant?
Nate: How are you two doing with your little mini-Parker? [Hardison gestures, For real, Nate?]
Parker: I can’t believe you brought her here, by the way.
Hardison: Okay. You know what, Parker? Look. You wanna know why I made her green?
Hardison: Because your favorite color is green. You wanna know why I named her after you? It’s because she’s based off of you. Parker, that’s why I was always asking you, “What are you thinking? How are you feeling?” Everything she knows, she learned off of you. I didn’t make her to replace you. I would never want to replace you. She’s…she’s for you.
Parker [ponders, and then chuckles]: I love it.
Parker [hugging the bot]: Yeah. I’m gonna call her Hardy.
Hardison: Okay. No. Um, it’s Parker 2000, it says so right there in the fine print.
The Grave Danger Job
Parker [over comms]: How come I had to go to the embalming room anyway?
Eliot: It’s cause Hardison’s too scared to get in the body bag.
Hardison: Hey claustrophobia is a very serious condition. I got a note from my doctor. You wanna see it?
Hardison [via cell phone]: Parker, don’t get off the phone. Please, I don’t want to be alone again.
Hardison [murmuring while setting Javier up for a Homeland Security bust]: Put me in a coffin. Here it comes to you. [sings] Got something for you. [presses the button that sends the information]Boom. Evidence. [does a little dance] Get it. Get it.
Hardison: I never would have made it through that without you. You know that right, Parker?
Parker: Oh, that’s not true. Anyone can learn to hold their breath.
[Hardison kisses her on the cheek]
Hardison: Thanks for not hanging up the phone.
The Boiler Room Job
Eliot: Are we waiting on Parker?
Hardison: Nah man, she’s at that damn chocolate festival. It’s like sending a crack addict to a cocaine convention. Girl texted me about an hour ago. Misspelled every damn word. Look. Yo gatta yaste dis stuff. [Sophie chuckles] Probably got chocolate all over the buttons.
Eliot: Nate, this guy probably knows every con in the book. How are we gonna nail him?
Sophie: I’m thinking the Peruvian Slide.
Hardison: No, you need two old people and a banana peel for that.
Sophie: Unh-unh. That’s the Boca Backlash.
Hardison: Boca Backlash is a roper with a glass eye.
Eliot: That’s the Oklahoma Little Chucky, and it’s not a glass eye, it’s a cue ball.
Hardison [talking over Eliot]: Oklahoma Little Chucky is a Rottweiler with some fireworks.
Sophie: It’s the Chilean [trails off].
Nate: No, no guys. Here’s the thing. Here’s the problem. Of course you can’t con a con artist. We’re just gonna have to steal from him.
Greg Sherman: What about you, Mr. uh…?
Hardison [under cover]: Beeshore. Steve Beeshore from the Bronx. What’s good?
Greg Sherman: What would you do with my nana?
Hardison: I’d take her for every cent she’s got. Then I’d come back next week and take her walker, her Depends, her Bengay, her mothballs, all that.
Greg Sherman: Grab a desk Steve.
Hardison: I was hired by a commodities mogul.
Sherman: What commodity?[Nate starts to speak but is interrupted by:]
Parker [over comms]: Chocolate!
Sherman: Cocoa futures. That’s a very volatile market.
Hardison: No, it’s crazy is what it is.
Hardison: But this guy he’s only focused on one commodity: cocoa. Some people even call him the Count Chocula.
Nate [over comms]: Seriously Hardison? Count Chocula?
Greg Sherman: Count Chocula? That’s a stupid moniker.
Hardison: It is stupid, real stupid. But he didn’t choose it. He’s not one of those guys who gives himself a dumb nickname.
Greg Sherman: Who is she?
Hardison: That’s the Chocolate Whisperer.
Nate [over comms]: Hardison, you got anything?
Hardison: Um, nothing man. Just a tired, overworked hacker who’s actually sick of orange soda. I think we lost him Nate.
Nate: No, no, no. This is gonna work.
Greg Sherman: What’s that noise?
Hardison: That would be the FBI sir.
McSweeney: Greg Sherman? [to Hardison] AKA the…what is again?
Hardison: The Blowfish I think.
Hardison: Nate. You’re not gonna believe this, man [hands Nate a folder with the Mystery Man’s photo in it].
Nate: This is the guy that, uh, that bugged the apartment and phoned me.
Hardison [affirms]: Jack Latimer. Farm boy. Scholarship to the University of Chicago. He started his own business back in 85 by mortgaging his house, and now he runs an investment firm with assets totaling eight zeros. Tracked him through his investment in Verd Agra.
Nate: Verd…’The Potato Job’? But we found the listening device before that.
Hardison: He was also involved in Merced Financial, DuberTech, Ernshell Pharmaceuticals.
Nate: Yeah okay, it’s all companies that we burned. So basically this guy had stock in all those companies and we cost him a lot of money. He wants revenge. Uh, how much did he lose?
Hardison: Who said he lost money?
Contributors: TJBW for episodes 1-8